How to "Bullyproof" yourself

While packing, I found an old article I saved from the USA paper. The advice that was given was so ludicrous, I had to save it.

How kids can "bullyproof" themselves (usa weekend - March 20-22, 1998)

The following is totally true, I kid you not. The clueless creators of the Cherry Creek school bullyproof program advise kids challenged by bullies to use these strategies that make up the acronym HA-HA-SO. (this is actually advice! I did not change anything!)

H: Help. Get it or give it.
A: Assert. "Stop making fun of me. It's mean and unfair. Stop it."
H: Humor. "Yes, this is an ugly shirt. My grandma always does this to me."
A: Avoid. Walk away.
S: Self-talk. "I know I'm not really ugly."
O: Own it. "You're right; I am a Native American. Do you want to know what our culture is really like?"

They go on to say, If you see someone being bullied, intervene using the CARE strategy.
C: Creative problem-solving. "You've been giving Johnny a hard time. Tell me something you actually like about him."
A: Adult help. Find an adult if someone might get hurt. Telling to protect someone is different from tattling to hurt someone.
R: Relate and join. "My clothes never seem to match, either. Some of us just don't have any fashion sense. It's kind of funny. But no matter what, we don't make fun of other people at this school."
E: Empathy. "You shouldn't say that about Jane. I'd be hurt if you said that about me."

If you think about it, these techniques will not only focus, but speed up your child's eminent ass kicking as certain as putting a red X on your butt, bending over and selling tickets!

I especially like the "do you want to know what my culture is really like?" part. Yeah, right after you pony up the lunch money and we run your underwear up the flagpole... I also know of many a bully who's shamed into apology when you point out that what they are doing is "mean and unfair". And you try the always humorous "grandma dresses me" Joke while you're trying to extract yourself from a locker. (and this is from someone who got green and red denim pantsuits for Christmas from grandma! I'm talking vest, jacket and matching pants all in denim!) I see no snappy wit given when you're crawling out of a trash bin or being pelted with rocks and garbage.

Oh and another thing... Don't try showmanship to change bullies attitudes towards you.

In grade school, I once saw a kid bring his ventriloquist dummy to school to win people over with his act his mom taught him. He unfortunately did it in front of the class. Only the dummy fared worst than him at recess...

Whatta load of crap! Who ever thought this junk up never was a bully victim, or is seriously out of touch with real school reality. This isn't Happy Days, and the Fonz isn't gonna save your skin. He can't even jump a chicken stand in Arnolds parking lot without biffing!

who's, being one of those whos life was a living hell in school by bullies, here what I found that works:

If there is a bully always saying hes "gonna kick your ass", Get pissed and annoyed and yell,"Well goddammit! Will you do it already?! Jesus!! I'm Doing something here!!" They never do after that... Bullies crave the fear and are really cowards. Why do you think they always attack the runts and lead mobs? Show them that their intimidation is for naught, and the battle is over for them.

Bullies also always push-fight or get into headlocks, they NEVER throw actually punches. Right hook him in the happy sack, and tell him to quit fighting like a girl. The bloated oaf will go down like a deck of cards, seriously deflated in more ways than one.

Freak them out. Get a blood capsule and some ham. Pretend you're so wound up mad at his threats that you bit off your own tounge. The bully will be shell shocked and may actually vomit.
Dodging. Bullies tend to be fat bastards and it'll be like bullfighting with an old toro. They're done in 2 minutes. Also, don't walk near trashcans, open lockers, and showers. Make friends with guys even bigger than the bully in question.

Remember, bullies are just pathetic asshats that try to make there empty lives feel important by oppressing the smaller people. Remove that, and the walls crumble for the schoolyard dictator.

Now that's real life advice that'll save your bony ass any time of your life! That and get some new "advisors".

You're welcome, Cherry Creek.