Happy Smokin' New Year!

Once again, i've survived to see another year come and go, and come again.

I don't do much on the holiday, as I don't really drink, or smoke, or have any friends since I've moved up to Washington state. I've been here almost 10 years, and i'm still though of as an outsider. A Californian. Although I do believe that in order to create friendships, I need to learn to smoke. Everyone smokes here, and even have special brakes for that at the workplace.

Non-smoker Question: "I'm going on a brake, 'kay?"
Answer: "Woah!, Is it your time for a brake? You can't right now..."

Or, Smoker Question: "I'm gonna go for a quick smoke outside..."
Answer" "...okay...I'll join ya..."

I'm not exagerating either. In fact, the smoker will still get their brake later, as they only took "a quick smoke" outside for 15 minutes. Damn. With my health, I don't think I can afford NOT to smoke. But, how?

I can't even fake smoke. I tried, and I cant get the natural thing going. Looks like i'm either holding a stick of dynamite, or I hold it like a fay german interragator. "(puff, puff!) You vill nevah escape this stalog, Hogan!"

As an experiment, I started to carry one cigarette in a semi crushed up pack, and a dead lighter. Then I take those out and tap the package as I say that I need a smoke brake...

...and the managers at my work LET me!!

No "Is it time for your brake?". No "You already had one!. They just say, okay! Sometimers they come outside with me to light up as well! But, I have that already figured out, as I have said earlier, I cannot convincingly smoke. What I do is tap the ciggy on that pack, then fumble with my lighter. Since the lighter is long dead, I can spend a good 4 minutes tring to light nothing. If I have someone else out there ready to offer me a light, I just place the cancer-stick back in the pack and say "Nah. I'm down to my last one and I need to save that. I need to cut down anyway...". I proceed to cough up a spleen and, end scene.

Almost no one offers me one of their cigarettes, and if they do, I can say I don't smoke those, or I have a fake coughing fit and say that I should just cut down, so no thanks. And, I get up to 20 minutes of non-work bliss, AND I still get a brake ta boot! I've found that I can do this about every 20-30 minutes without fail.

And once, I did bring up the fact that non-smokers have it worse, in that they can't take extra brakes. I was told, smokers can't help it, it's a habit! A habit?! So, they get away with it, then? I suppose if my "habit" was to crap in people lunchbags at work, you think they'd let me, cuz I can't help it? I might even get 15 or so minutes special to do this, If i play my cards right...

Question: I need to take a quick brake. I have intestinal issues, and I think I saw a sandwich in the fridge."