Tech Support Gone Bad

At my job, even though I just sell electronic merchandise, people always call me up and want me to "tech support" help them with a computer problem. You dont call an office supply store if your computer doesnt start. I don't go into a McDonalds and ask them how long to bake a twelve pound turkey! You could even ask them if their computer has a burner, and what kind. You'll get one of two answers followed after an awkward blank stare.

1). "um... regular..." Which means they have absolutly no idea what I just said. Or...
2). "ugh..it's a Dell..." Thats like ordering a part for you car, and when the serviceman asks you what kind of car is it to match the part, you say a used one. I usually follow with, "what kind of Dell?" Which goes back to number one.

Could be worse, I tell myself, it could be email technical support. Today, I give you a small sample of the daily hail of stupid people that e-mail technical support.

I know, because I was one of them at Musicmatch, makers of a MP3 player software program, for about a year. You wouldn't believe the anger we've received from this little unobtrusive program! Typical of me, I kept an ongoing collection of the cream of the crop. I put it in a book labeled "dumbass!". And, as usual, spelling mistakes galore and profanity abounds in all these mental giants. Here's a small quick sampling...

(Note: The domain names of the letters have been removed to protect the dumbass. But, the spelling is intact. My comments are in italics. Beware, some salty language is ahead.)

From: babygrrl

ur pc suck i need help on this thing well n-e ways help mei need a new burner kauze urs suck ight help meeh u mothafuqer...

(You really need to try very hard to make this many spelling errors and "babygirl" has quite a mouth on her! Well, then, i guess we need to mail her a new CD burner then...)

From: pinpear

Rip off! I down loaded to get the free up graded version of music Matchbox and it stincks! How get the old vertsion back? PLease don't ask why because you know!!!!!!

(How nice of the man to breakdown all the three syllable words to just two. And I don't know who music Matchbox is, we're MusicMatch... but, according to him, I already know all this...)

From: unknown

There is a hole in my monitor and i am afriad that musicmatchbox has put in a webcamera and you guys are watching me right now. Can you see me waving? Is that why you have a veiwing square? If so how can i see other peoples? and is that where i speak to for my cumpotetr problems??????What time do i staat? I canot find times in help files.

(wow. This person is actually living in a public city without any restrictions. Makes you feel very afraid. Ah, and that magical monitor that sucks up your soul...I swear up and down, this is not a joke.)

From: tyrano

When I try to download free mp3 Musicmast, all i got was a picture inside the screen showing the planet earth and a piece of paper going to my file on the right of the screen. As the piece of paper was going into my file a red spark (like a red astrik) whould show up. Can you help me?

(yes I can. Do you still have the box the computer came in? Great! Then pack it up and give it to someone with a clue cause you're too stupid to own an electronic device. Do you think this is her first download experience ever? Should we tell her about the spying soul-sucking monitor?)

From: unknown:

You know, Musinmatch has got to be the worst f---ing produce I've ever purchased

(y'know, I kind of dig the idea that this guy is eating our software like other fruits and vegatables and buying it at the grocery store.).

And now a collection of the worst of brain cell misfires:

...Please reply soon if i cant get assistance I will have to cancel my order. Which i did today already...

...you prick, save your patronising i'll take it further as i don't have tijme for airheads...

...sorry, but your Musikmatch for Linix is only a wine emulation with shit. Sorry for my bad english...

...I'm musicmatch DISK JORKY downtown. I want to get program but i have no money. I'm very sorry...

...dick full while accessing C:program files_musicmatch. help...

...can u fook off with these billshit e-mails... (BILLshit?)

...I'M SORRY BUT I DO NOT HAVE GIRLFRIENDS OR ANT FRIENDS AT ALL BECAUSE I HAVE C.P. AND NO ONE WANTS TO BE SEEN WITH A HANDICAPPED PERSON OK...

...the icon to go to musicbox is like a blue thingamabob with a yellow dot and he said his is a wheely looking thing...

...FRIENDS MUSICMATCH, I AM FANATIC. SEND FREE CD. I AM VERY REGARDS...

...I spent over $40.00 for a kick to the balls as far as I'm concerned...

...I am called Tomas Coins! and i write so that they say like me! To me more soon possible?...

..."Va te faire enculer salope j'encule ta grand mere" (so thats what it looks like in french! I'll let you all translate that one. But be forwarned.)

...I don't have writable CD drive. Do you offer this service?...

...I need to know how to get songs on a blank CD without a scanner...

...don't send me stuf im done with music i like games more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

...i kan not inglish sorry...

Somehow, I don't feel so bad about my current customers. Lets see how long that lasts.