The Following is a Paid Program...

Television between 3am and 6am is infomercial-land. And, if by chance you miss the "show", you can always tune in tomorrow to see the exact same episode again! It's like they know you!

I especially love the ones that look like a real talk show, and you just happen to tune in when they have their "very special guest" hawking their prostate paste. Hell, you're a virtual lottery winner! Seems today's show is entirely dedicated to the miracle of modern medicine that "the feds don't want you to know about"!

It's either Danny Boniducie's fabulous talk show, or it's the Boner Juice Show with Ron Jeremy. And just my luck, it's obviously the anniversary show, as they're showing clips of past shows surprisingly, also about today's subject of manhood expansion. I guess all these emails were true, and I'm just a dork.

Lets see...Property ownership with Chuck Woolery and medical insurance with Ed McMahon. Because I know when I need a place to live, no one would be more experienced than the host of Card Sharks. And tubby Ed probably has so much liver damage, He's more than likely paid scientists, experts and to be safe, druids, to find a way to extend his life. Looking for a good Medicare? Talk to the guy who's gonna die because of too much "devil water".

Why is it when normal, middle American, white people get rich from using amazing "tiny little ads!", they then sit around in Hawaiian shirts on a fake tropical set. I think it's a contractual obligation. Wow! I could make thousands in my pajamas! And never work "for tha man" again! Be my own boss! And all for 5 payments of 49.99 for a catalog of products, the book of selling secrets, audio tapes, and 24 hour expert help all the way from the technilogical hub of the world, India!

Hang on... If I am to be a millionaire just from following your "proven" technique, why am I paying you $250 for the privilege. Tell you what, I get your proven secrets for free. When I get my first check of many of $25000, I'll cut you your $250. That's fair, since you guarantee my success, you'll get paid, right? I called them and told them my propersition. They hung up on me!

Then my favorite! Esteban!

Yes, Esteban! World famous latin-ish guitar maestro! Esteban! The other man in black! Esteban! Looking like a blind crotchety eggplant with a spanish dingleball trimmed hat! Yes, my friends...THAT Esteban!

We catch him playing at Red Rocks, when all of a sudden, that lucky lucky audience is blessed with an impromptu interview after a song, and Estaban graciously offers to sell his talent and a cigar box guitar!

Oh, I know guitars, I own an original John Lennon 1963 Richenbacher, and I did some research on line for the Esteban Signature Accustic Guitar...

It's painted plywood and nails! Even found the "world famous" Esteban online. He was last playing a local city fair. He was after the belching dog act and just before the 2 year old triangle choir. The review said he was far from a genius, lacked originality, and was sloppy, but fast.

I hope for Estebans sake, he doesn't get the same review after using Ron Jeremy's Ding-Dong Butter. He seemingly has so little to fall back on. Well, he has the magic of that milk crate he's resting his foot on. Beethoven and Motzart had milk crates to sit on while composing.

Hmm...He may be onto something...must buy...Esteban Signature Dairy Container...

I hear operators are standing by...