The Start of Curmudgeony

If I ever...ever...get the bright idea to see a summer movie midnight on opening day for the exclusive sneak peak, please please please, refer me to this blog, or take a wooden fence post with a masonry block nailed on it across my head.

Oh, by the way, I saw Spider-man 3. But everyone and their pimp has already talked about that.

I arrive at the theater about 9pm for the 12:01 showtime. I'm thinking that this is a small theater and there shouldn't be a line. What I wasn't thinking of was that sometimes, teenagers will use any excuse to be out amongst themselves to act like asses. And I should have known this too! I did go to school. I have seen the Greek play on display of the guys trying to act cool to impress the chicks. I have seen the cruel temptresses of teen girls trying to look "hot" and be the center of attention by demanding it. it has NEVER changed...

So I see in line a bunch of guys sitting on a sofa. Yep, sofa. Now, guys only do this in the wild. You rarely see teens all crowded on a tiny sofa unless it's to say "look how cool we are that we brought a sofa to sit on in a line! Aren't we funny?". You don't see a bunch of dudes all crammed on one couch otherwise...too "gay". Y'see, if they're at home watching a game on TV with no one to impress, all too soon, they'll become aware that their thighs are touching, that fingertips brush ever so tenderly across the hair on your buddies arm as you reach for some chips, and you never noticed that Dave had such an angelic face...

That should be enough to make everyone expand their personal space and spread out across the carpet.

I also see in line guys with really bad Spider-man masks. Once again to impress the ladies on how cool and funny they must be. I can tell you from experience, a Spider-man mask is hard to breathe through, hot as hell, and near impossible to see out of. No, I don't parade about the house in one, I'm talking about Halloweens when you got that lil' box costume from the market with the satiny jumpsuit and rubberband half mask. But, THESE people were tolerable, demanding you pay attention to them as you pass by...

Behind me was a few girls and their boyfriends. But, i got the message that although the guys thought they were on a date with them, the girls seemed to only consider they guys as "the dudes that are paying for the movie and my food". Why did these people annoy me the most? They talked....loud. Nothing wrong with talking loud, but when you do it so you hope the whole line will overhear your wit, shatters your skull with the cackle of a adolescent girl laughs, and screams . It wasn't only that they talked loud, it was what the subjects they talked about...

"Sharrie!!!!! Gimmie my fries!!! Gimmie!!! Don't be a bitch!!!! (laughs}"
"No don't!!!! DON'T!!! (teeheehee) I'm gonna kick your ass!!! Giv-it-back!!! NooOOOooo (teeheehee)"
"I'm HUNGRY!!! Go get some food, Eddie!!! You know what I Like!!! NO!! I don't want that!!! Shuddap!!! People here are stupid!!!! (a maniacal laugh that chills the soul)"

While this was happening, I was formulating a plan to use my keys to jam under my eyes and scrape my frontal lobe for a quick lobotomy. I could feel my brain cells dying with every word uttered behind me. I was becoming dumber just being around them.

Then I got my birthday wish! I was hit on the back of the head with a Frisbee! How did they ever know! Not only did I get that once, I got it thrice! It was those kids behind me again.

"Angie!!! Why did you duck the Frisbee?!?! (laugh) You retard!!!! (laughs)"

At that point, I turned into a curmudgeon. I turned to Angie and her friends, "Angie...if you're going to duck a Frisbee being thrown at you each time, at least give me warning , 'kay?"

They line started moving finally at 10pm. Couches were shoved back onto a truck that pulled up, masks were taken off, and the trash receptacle outside was buried in fast food containers, wrappers, and pizza boxes. Getting into the auditorium, i was hoping for my last birthday wish: Not to be seated next to the people behind me. As I sat down, in a theater full of people text messaging small novels, and taking cell phone pics, I thought I was home free, as the seats next to me were empty.

Then those same girls came up and straddled the seats next to me to talk to some other guy friends seated behind me! They said they're making the rounds to say hello to everyone (i,e, a cry for attention they weren't getting from their "dates"), and they decided to hang here and talk (yell) to these dudes, cuz theys be cool. At that point I realize that I was in hell.

"Angie!!!!!! Lets take these seats!!! No ones here and we can talk to these guys though the movie!!!!!" My mind actually splint into to and I could feel a coma coming on.

"What about our seats back there with Eric?!!!! Our stuff is there!!!!"
"Aghhh!!! They can watch our stuff, and we'll move back and forth to visit!!!"

Time for drastic action on my part. I see two guys with popcorn and drinks stopped at the theaters entrance scanning for seats. I immediately stand up and scream, "AH!!! There you guys are!!! I was thinking you'd never make it!!! I saved your seats right here!!!" The girls look to each other, the two latecomers look to each other with confusion, then shrug and decide to take my offer! I am elated as they move to the chairs and the girls vacate them.

Then one of the latecommers says, "Hey, lets get those seats up there at the back...", and they continue up the stairs.

NOOOOOOO!!! SONAVABITCH!!! I then realized I yelled those things outloud, but I didn't care as the girls took back up the straddling of chairs, and occasionally moving back and forth between rows.

I counted five butts (three female), two men's junk, three girlie parts, one elbow, and a cell phone, smacking the back of my head during this whole time, in addition to the three Frisbees, and I wished for the sweet release of death, as the two girls chatted on with the guys and with their cells, and I had a hour to wait for the movie still.

Then someone tapped me on my shoulder: A couple in their twenties. "Are those seats taken?"

I think a tear formed as I said "Bless you..."