Michael: At Wits End (part 1)

This is the fantastic tale of terror and drunken adventure on the high seas of social interaction.


This, is the story of going to see Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End with...Christina.


Don't get me wrong, I like Christina. She's a good person, if somewhat lacking in social skills. And when we decided we'd see Pirates together, I didn't think anything more of that besides seeing a movie with a friend. But, on Friday night, hours before I was to pick her up, I got this...feeling...


A feeling of, almost...dread. And I was thinking perhaps I should call Christina and say that I couldn't make it. That I got a flat tire. That I shattered my skull in a freak hat accident. That my pants are caught on a nail that I can't extrude myself from. Anything. I'll gladly kiss off the tickets, but somehow, something was telling me...don't go...


But like any good mythological tale, the hero ignores the obvious foreshadowing and finds himself in dante's hell. I ignored the fact that Christina was getting more and more cranky and irritable at work. She snapped at me and barked orders. When she asked me a day before if I could also get tickets for her mother as well, I just ignored that request. Her recent obsession with her "ex-boyfriend", Ron. Now, this is a guy who she was going to leave and move out with her Mom to get away from the fact that the only reason she was still living with this person, who she loathes, is so that she can afford rent. Ever since he was arrested in another state for a baggie of "toke smoke", He's in jail for 70 some days and now...Christina misses him soooo much.


All of it was so clear. There was a signpost up ahead, and Rod Serling was welcoming me into the Twilight Zone. The Greek chorus was singing, and my spider sense was warning me on overtime with massive tingling. Yet, I found myself driving to Christina's to pick her up for a movie night.


As soon as she entered the cab of my Beetle, I was instantly intoxicated...by the fumes of cheap beer that waifed off of her. Turns out that she shared a few Pabst Blue Ribbon with her neighbor friend. After all, he bought himself a case. You have to be sociable when a creepy drunk guy who lives next to you offers you alcohol, right?


When we arrived at the theater, she clearly stated that we had better park near the front door, because she doesn't want to walk far. Remember when I said foreshadowing? This was fore-foreshadowing. This was the trailer the the film of how my evening would go.


As soon as I walked through the doors, Christina loudly exclaimed how she needs a drink. The theater we went to serves drinks in a "living room" setup. I think that's why 'Tina wanted to go here for Pirates. As we waited in line she got a menu and was immediately angry and irritated that there were only ales and not mixed drinks. She actually got a bit pissed at me because I didn't know. She complained loudly about that. She complained that we were in a line. she complained that we had BETTER be in the right line. She bitched about the living room theater setting. And there had better NOT be ANY trailers before the movie...She absolutely hates trailers.


After complaining about the location of the seats, and she did pick where she wanted to sit, she complained out the service. Y'see, this theater had waiters to get you food and drink. I was starting to get irritated by all this piss and vinegar she was dishing out. She either bitched about something, or she was ignoring that I was there. What fun. When I did get up:

"where are you going?!"

"um...going to the snack bar...want something? I can get whatever you'd like..."

"Are trying to get me fat?! Hell no I don't want anything. If I even small some of that that garlic butter popcorn, I won't be able to stop eating it and i won't lose enough weight for summer! Why are you even asking? "

"so...that's a no I guess...I'll be back then without any temptations..."

"...and get me a diet coke..."

I had more fun at the snack line at this point. Got us a drink and a pizza slice that I scarfed at the doorway of the theater. Didn't want to create temptation. made sure I had no evidence of food and walked back in with our drinks...

"Wheres the popcorn!!!!???"

"ba-wha...But you said you didn't want...."

"I know what I said! But I can smell the popcorn and I was hoping you'd get some anyway! That would have been thoughtful"

"I could go back if you wanted it now..."

"No...don't bother. How long till the movie starts anyway?

"18 minutes."

"Godammit!!! I'm getting sick of just sitting here!!!"

Eighteen very long minutes later, the room darkened and the tell tale pop of surround sound speakers turning on was a welcome noise. Christine actually smiled at me, as she adjusted her seat and positioned her liquor and diet Pepsi (thank god they had Pepsi...she hates coke). Maybe, this won't be so bad after all. Maybe, she'll be excited and happy about the movie. maybe this little negative patch has passed...

And then the trailers begin...

(End of part one)