The Weighty Issue

'Kay, there's his guy at my work that thinks everything he says or does is funny. Most annoying thing is the "funny voices" he thinks he masters. All it makes me do is get a mild migraine and cause me to attempt to pinch my eyes together.

Anyway, someone somewhere happens to say, "hey, hey hey". And it's like a Pavlov's dog trigger. Out comes this horrendous Fat Albert imitation.

A gravelly horse voice says, "hey, hey, hey! Fat Albert is here to save the day!"

And like magic, I burst a blood vessel.

Lets leave alone the fact that that was the worst imitation of any cartoon character from the 70's ever attempted. I just wondering how a 400 pound morbidly obese 14 year old is going to save the day. I can probably speculate one thing he never saves: leftovers. And I would also suggest a throat doctor. No one the south side of puberty should have a voice like a chronic smoking grandma.

Hang on, I'm getting off topic. What I really waned to talk about was my weight loss.

Whatta pain in the ass. It's almost easier, and so much cheaper, to be fat!

Painting a picture. Ever since high school, I was overweight. I could eat a whole large pizza and a half and still eat more. I think I topped at 245. My total record was 265 pounds...and that was two years ago. I used to have to have pants cuffed, because they didn't have size 42 pants with a 30 inseam. Used to have to shop in the "huskies" section of Sears. (At least Sears was kind enough to perpetuate my comfort level of my dimensions my making the chubby clothes have such a rugged name!)

As of today, I'm 175 pounds and 18% body fat.

Honestly, how did THAT happen?!

Fad diets? Special foods? Exercise vids? weight loss pills? Nope, none of those.

I went to a gym, ate only when I was hungry, and had diabetes. Thats is it. I lost 60 pounds, lowered my blood pressure, and almost eliminated my diabetes in three months eating corndogs and diet coke. I ate ice cream, pizza, you name it. And I am now at my target weight.

And it sucks!

Do you know how much it cost more to eat healthy? Buying smaller portions of food instead of bulk rate? I had to buy new pants every two weeks, and now I have to by smaller form fitting shirts. I'm also cold more often that I used to be. I feel like a shivering chiwawa when theres a breeze. Being healthy is costing me a fortune.

And it takes forever to shop for food. I now read all the labels. Sodium content. Sugar content. And theres good AND bad cholesterol. I'm in the middle of a cholesterol war and I don't even know how it started! Can't we all just shake hands and slowly clot my arteries as friends?

Right now I'm looking at a drawer of oversize clothes I can't wear anymore, unless I want to follow my dream of being a white gangsta rapper. All I can save are the socks, and thats not fair. I think if the government wants America to not be an overweight nation, they should at least buy you new clothes when you reach your target weight. I shouldn't have to borrow a shirt from a girl if i want to go out and not look like I spontaneously deflated.

Maybe I'll go out right now and get a pie. Either that or drill a new hole on my belt to keep my pants up.