Christmas: I Finally Get It

"here I stand, head in hand. Turn my face to the wall" - John Lennon, You've got to hide your love away

I just got back from dropping off presents to my spiritual mistress, FaerieJean. And I guess by way of association, her life partner, FaerieJosh (although I think he probably would prefer a better nickname). Both are the most fabulous people one can ever know. I never know what I really want for Christmas, but I think I got it, just by knowing these two, and being inducted into their "tribal circle"

Coming from such a fractured family, that was the most special thing anyone could give me. And I won't even need a gift receipt.

(and no, I won't say what I gave them...They might read this...And that would make baby Easter Jesus and his son Santa Claus cry. er...Perhaps I got the hierarchy wrong. Only went to one Sunday school class when I was eight. All I recall was that one child screamed constantly that he wanted a hot dog for an hour. Might as well throw in Oscar Meyer with Santa and Easter Jesus. )

Even though I've known FaerieJean for such a short time (and mostly during work), I haven't felt so enriched in a friendship in a looooong time. The trust I give people is an all or none option only. Yeah, you can be burned really bad if you trust the wrong person, but the warmth of light from being right is so worth the chance. From what FJ surmised, my family wasn't a very loving structure, but somehow, despite the odds, I grew to know that I wanted that love and trust from people anyway. I know exactly what I want to feel, but was never given the teachings to get it.

What better present is there than someone you trust pointing you in the right direction with a warm scarf and a nice sack lunch for the journey? I mean besides a plasma screen.

I had also just heard that they have a friend Kim that was living with them, and I didn't want her to be the only one to not feel like she was special that day. Especially with what's going on with her life. What can you give someone to change a day? Can you package an emotion?

Yes, you can.

I don't many things from my childhood, and far fewer things that made me smile in life: except, I found a toy car I had when I was six. And it made me smile. I had no memories of why, nor why I kept that all my life when I really don't have anything from more than 8 years ago. This toy was my childlike innocence. And an important piece of me. So, I was going to give her my childhood, when problems and adult matters never exisisted. And somehow, I know she'd like that.

But, she'll be with family this Christmas! And that's a good thing, however it turns out. She'll have people and hugs and eggnogg and puppet shows and corn... And she wont need my bobble, today.

Then again, I've had some of the worst Christmas presents from my family when I was young: A plastic hot glue gun soldering kit that created toxic fumes. A red denim panstsuit. A box of sox. A green denim pantsuit. A one time worn sweater with a reindeer on it. hand me down clothes...from my sister. A coolass board game my mom would never let me play. Deodorant sticks. Candles (DON'T give guys candles!! We don't thing "beautiful", we think "in case of emergency"). A mail-order squirrel monkey that went ape-shit, bit my dad and escaped into the kitchen, terrifying us. A bag of unidentifiable foodstuff. Underwear.

But y'know, I had the best Christmas this month having friends to care about...It was all about giving.

It's not trees, or the Mighty JayCee, or Santa, or Weiners, or religion, or getting stuff, or gift cards to Starbucks, or even crazy from dehydration psycho monkeys jumping out at your face like a jack-in-the-box ready to tear your flesh.

It's about love in any and every form.

And I freely give that to all of you as well. Merry Christmas Everyone.

Michael Duke Avila
12/23/06