Bullseye Hung on Your Soul

I've had a mad day. And been exploring the nature of guilt.

No, not Guilty, like O.J. His kind of guilt is just a judgement from others. I don't see him suffering (and he should). It's when you feel guilty, even though you didn't do anything to be guilty about. Even though you know you shouldn't feel guilty, and logically, there is nothing to be guilty about. But, you still feel terrible. Like you're the most horrible person in the world.

Have you ever called in sick to work? You're really sick, you're not usuable at work, you're not lying...and when you call, work makes you feel guilty! Every moment at home surrounded by loads of used tissues, all you can think of is how you let them down at work...and you know you shouldn't feel that!!! Thats the guilt that tears and rips at you. The feeling you let someone down, even though your mind says theres no reason for that. Workers. Friends. Family. Children

The heart has a fragile soul and defines you.

And if you're reading this, and you don't have any idea what that feels like...you will never understand me, or anyone I am friends with.

In fact, I embrace the kind hearts of the people I surround myself with, those who are racked with guilt sometimes. Because, their heart is so big, so pure, it's such a big target for hurt. And, I've become such a protective soul as I grow older. An empathic paladin.

I will take the bullet. Or at least share the pain. No one should feel guilty alone, so either I am an aura of compassion, or a big puss like some people say.

This reminds me of a story: a loooong time ago, my sister Carol went to UCDavis, far from home, living on campus. She took my dog with her (my moms new boyfriend, later husband, didn't like dogs. Or perhaps didn't like my dog. either way, Carol had to take him). She walked the big shambling mound everyday, and one day, he got in a fight in park with another dog. Carol called home freaked out after this horrible encounter, crying. I talked to her first and empathically connected with her pain, trying to calm her, and fully understanding...

Then my mom went on the phone: She laughed at Carol.

I said, What are you doing?! Don't laugh at her durring this!! And my mom angrily covered the phone and said to me, "I'm trying to show her how rediculous she's being!! YOU just aren't sensitive!!"

ME?! I am, and have always been, so hypersensitive, It's sometimes overwhelming!! I truely believe I have my own cycles where I'm too emotional, get cramps, retain water, and my boobs hurt!! I'm like emotional flashpaper! I am SOOO un-dude-like!

I guess that doesn't make me fun at parties, huh?

But, I think i'm happier being the shield for others. And yes, when you spend too much time chasing other peoples clouds away, you sometimes end up in someone elses rainy day.

I' still would rather be the umbrella. I bet umbrellas feel good about themselves.