...And the Oscar Goes Too...

What a limp line.

(attaching the old scraggy beard to my chin and the chewin' tabaccy...)

I remember a time when the Oscars ment something! When you annouced the "winner" of the naked golden guy, and not try to sugar coat the fact that someone lost. The actors would still get upset by not winning the award, why change the line to "and the oscar goes too..". I think the more dramatic way would be having them all stand on stage them eliminate the losers one at a time. Better yet, let a clown with a broom slap/escort them off stage while the orchestra plays the music from The Price is Right when they chose the wrong price.

When they get to the last two, it's a sweatoff! Maybe even have them do stunts to see who really wins! Who can pluck a hen faster? How many eggs can Dame Judi Dench eat? Now there's a broadcast!

I don't know about you, but watching Jessica Alba and Uma Thurman speed eating hotdogs hanging from strings in three minutes, is a private dream of mine.

But really, winning an Oscar really mans nothing. It's a popularity contest and a publishers dream. Gerorge Clooney won't be winning an Oscar for Best Picture or anything, so "the academy" will throw him a bone and give him Best Supporting Actor. That's how it works. Negotiation.

Brokeback can't win more than "x" amount of Oscars, so Crash will win Best Picture. Doesn't it make sense that if a movie wins best director, actor, score, editing, writing, and catering, that that means it is the best picture? I saw Crash. I considered suing Blockbuster for wasting my time.

John Stewart was excellent as always, but Hollywood has no sense of humor and they don't like the jokemaking. What about Steve Martin, Billy Crystal, and others, you say? Well, Steve Martin and Billy Crystal have a backlog of movies, don't they? Could be that some people in the audience might someday want to be in a production of a future movie by theses guys.

"well, I'd hire you for the lead, but as I recall, you didn't find my joke about the three cinematographers in a bar, very humorous in the 1987 Academy Awards... I don't think I can work with anyone that doesn't understand where I'm coming from."

John Stewart has only done Half Baked, and Death to Smoochy.

I think the audience thought it was safe to show distain.

Oh, I like the theme to this years Oscars: DVD's suck donkey. Thats all anyone talked about. How astounding the thee-ay-tah experience was and watching a DVD of that same movie was like a kick to the batch by a twitchy goat. Then having that same goat take a crap on you while you're in a fetal position.

Some quick takes:

Michelle Williams. My God, she looked fantastic! Nothing like the "dawson" days!
All the men. Can they get together and purchase a norelco shaver?
George Clooney. Told it like it was baby! The Academy is the hidden evil!
Lauren Bacall. Seemed like she had an attack of Altzimers. I know it was a teleprompter problem, but the Film Noir tribute was reduced to, "uh...uh...uh..."
Did I mention Michelle Williams?
The broadcast compelled me to take all my DVD's and throw them in a bonfire while carving the face of Jack Velenti into my forehead.
The fact that the rappers who won best original song was more excited and genuine that the Hollywood establishment. It is tough to be a pimp!
Will Farrell and Steve Carell! Best Makeup presentation ever!
The point where wild jackels jumped Ryan Seacrest and draged him off behind the stands to feed their young. Okay, not really, but I can dream, can I?
And there was Michelle Williams. She needs to lose the dork on her arm.
The hotdog eating. and the pancake brakefast William Macy always hosts afterwards. He knows how to flip a mean waffle.

If only my DVR worked like it was supposed to, I could really tell you how the Oscars went...