Here We Go Again!

Yes, here we go again.  Once again, I am trying to restart my blog.  And this time, I think I'll actually be do it.  Because, Now I'm doing this for a personal reason.  I'm starting to recognize why I stopped in the first place.  I mean, yeah, the stroke obviously sidetracked me quite a bit.  But as of recently, I've also discovered other reasons why I haven't been diligent.

Previously, I've used excuses, however accurate, such as, I'm tired all the time.  My memory got scrambled or lost, therefor, I have no more stories.  I can't put my thought down on the page well enough.  Lots of brain stuff.  But there was also something far more serious going on.

Depression.  And the type of depression that stay hidden and denies itself.  The kind that slowly eats away at your own person, telling you you can't, and you'll fail.  The kind that tricks you into giving up and just waiting it to leave.  But like a bad house guest with a hygiene problem, just wont take the hint and makes himself MORE at home.

And this hidden depression started long ago and was the real reason I was withdrawing from society quietly, including this page as well!  I remember (yes, I still remember some things) long ago, about five years ago after the stroke, I was asked, "do you feel depressed?" by my doctor.

I said, "No, I don't think so..."  and never gave it another thought.  But that's the danger of depression:  it's not the cinematic bad actor type, with the moaning and crying and walking around like Shlep Rock or Eeyore.  It's much more devious:  it's doubt, it's loneliness in a crowded room, it's not finding the reasons to get out of bed, shower, get dressed and just go out the door.  And thinking your thoughts don't mean anything. Hense, no blog.

I'll probably go into it later, but I eventually acknowledged the depression and sought help.  I'm on medication and not only can I form words again, and be my usually verbose self at age 48, BUT...

I did my first selfie ever.  

This, for me, is a humongous breakthrough!  I never ever thought I could get over taking pictures of myself before.  My entire life was me ducking the photographs when I could!  And here I am taking my first vulnerable step and posting my picture online to scrutinize.  

Not only that, I'm talking the way I used to, to people, I'm enjoying it!  I'm taking walks (okay, more hobbles with a cane, but, you take what you can get...)  and i'm finding my humor again.  

Also, I don't think I look that bad!  Not shabby for an almost 50 year old, huh?  I stopped aging it seems.  And as my bestie Leanne said in her own open way, "Still the same duke..only with thinning hair".  Thanks...

And do you think taking a selfie is easy?.  It really isn't.  You have to pre-plan hoe the mirror image will look, you can't block your face.  You need to balance the camera/phone and still press the touch sensitive button.  You have to avoid dropping the phone in the sink or toilet.  You have to remember to take off he flash and clean the damn mirror.  And, wipe that constipated look off your face, that you get by trying to remember and do all that.

And my left arm and hand are controlled by my brain like one of those Chucky Cheese Claw arm prize machines.

But, here's to a brand new era.  I may not have memories, but I will have something to say after all.

And, this is a great start!