Back in the Saddle, for Kinda the First time

"...On behalf of the group and me-self, I hope we pass the audition." - John Lennon on the rooftop of Abbey Road.

I am not good at dating.

I don't have the chops, or the experience. And many times, I don't even know that the get together of a man and woman can be construed as a "date". What is a date? God, I just wanna meet people, and it's like an audition for a part that i haven't even read the script for.

I never dated. Oh, I've had relationships and girlfriends, but a date with a phone call, and a pick up at the ladies house, and the dinner and a movie with the capper peck on the check, kind? NO. Only seen it in movies where it's usually Wally or the "Beve", and they bring a box with a flower in it to pin on the breast of a young adolescent. They also wear sweaters with arm patches and the word "condom" doesn't exist yet. Probably not the best role models.

Usually I just happen to fall into relationships. It just happens. And I wake up with a "okay...what the hell just happened" puzzled look on my face next to a beautiful girl with a smile (for the moment, seemingly), and I find we're going to the mall together. Checking out Spencers Gifts and Hot Topic while I hold her purse.

...and as I'm holding her purse like it's a bag of dog poo, I see other guys standing about with similar bags held aloft and looking lost. No, not lost, but wondering "what the hell just happened?" It's like I was the last to know we're "together". I am so clueless when it comes to this crap.

And I know once again, I skipped the "date" part.

Y'know, let me take that back. I DID go on a date! Once. And as I remember it now, there is a reason why my mind chose to lose that information.

looong long ago in a far away land of Whittier, California, I was working at a pizza place and finally got the testosterone to ask this girl out that wasn't a buddy to begin with. She was young and pretty with long blond hair, and unknown to me, quite an attitude. I was damn surprised she said yes!

I picked her up at her place and it felt like a real "Leave it to Beaver" Date! She dressed better than usual, and I was a gentleman and opened the door for her even though I thought it was cliche'. I told her where I was taking her to dinner a really really nice Italian restaurant...

When She said she didn't want to go that far, and wanted to eat at the place we worked. Expensive Italian food, or a chinsy pizza parlor where all the co-workers will think I'm the cheapest dumbass date in the entire world. Thank god we didn't work at a McDonalds. And the "dinner" was quite fast and relatively talk free. Why did she say yes?

Afterwards, she invited me back to her place, (a nervous "score!" would be applied here, like I know what to do next, right?). So what did we do, you little perverts? I'll tell you in all the sexy detail: She brought out a photo album filled with Polaroids of the guys she's really lusting after for me to see how awesome he was. Why did she say yes?!

Next on the agenda? Me saying good night. I never know when the kiss, or hug, or handshake is ever applied and I was so uncertain what to do...but I needn't bother. She asked me since I was going, could I drop her off at the pool hall Mr. Awesome hung out at. You know me. I'm a dumbass. Of course I did.

Why did she say yes? I found out later she said yes, because her friends told her, "eww. Don't go out with him...", and she wanted to piss them off. And so my mind sealed the records of that caper ASAP. No dates for you, buddy.

Leap almost two decades later: I'm now dating again, and have NO clue what the hell I'm doing! I met this girl and we talked for a long time, I finally ask her out and she says, to my surprise once again, yes. She's funny and intelligent, and we talked about so many comfortable ideas, it seems like it'll be a good time had by all! We make a date to met at the Starbucks and confirm which one, since theirs 18 per block by law in Vancouver.

I arrive all nice and neat, I look fantastic since I don't have that High School fatness and nerdy grr-animal clothes. This is my FIRST date! The big leap in the deep end! And I get to Starbucks an hour early.

When she didn't show up the first hour, I figured, "oh women and getting gussied up". I drank that cup of tea slow because I had to get a loan to afford the "Grande". When Hour two showed it's head with no one there, I was trying so hard to look like I wanted to be there as a solo. Read the coffee menus a billion times and attempted to look casual instead of disappointed level 10. Hour three. maybe she was attacked by Yetis and had to carve her way out of the stomach of the King of Snowmen with the jawbone of a steer found within his gut. Then, fight her way to a cliff side and leap off into a torrent of rapids, trying her best to get within a cell phone area to make a call to me saying she'll be a little late.

Called it at four hours and pronounced the date, D.O.A.. I also felt a bit pathetic for staying that long. Hope and stupidity ride the same road it seems. Never heard from her again...

Why did she say yes? Deja vu all over again

Later I met Catt and we had a good sushi lunch. During the fried calamari, I was of course, clueless as to be expected, but this time, I so needed to know:

"Uh, Catt...can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah, shoot..."
"...are we on...a date?"