Stupidity is My Armor

Digging about 15 years into my past for this one! This may be proof that being oblivious can be your savior.

I used to work at a pizza place called, oddly enough, Pizzamania in Whittier, California. I worked there on and off for 6 years. Loved the place, as I practically grew up there. Made my first real friends out of high school there. My first real girlfriend. My first real occupational injury (rotary pizza ovens are set at 550 degrees). My first real drunken party.

And my first real brush with death. Although I didn't know my own mortality was in crisis at the time.

When I first began, I was sorta the outsider, evidently, as the rest of the crew liked to play practical jokes on me, from time to time. They even spiked my food with things like pure jalopeno juice. So I was content to be the bartender for the dining room which was an ajacent area from the main counter and kitchen.

One evening while I was washing mugs and glasses, I get the usual half drunk guys using their pizza slice as a impromptu sponge when they knock over their beer mug on the table. And I get something else that night. A guy rushes in the room with a wool mask covering his face, a black zipper jacket, and a 38 snub nose pistol. He comes up to the counter and points it at me...

"gimmie the money...The MONEY!!!", he shouts.

And what did I do when someone points a weapon at my head? What went through my mind that split second? Did my life flash before my eyes? Was I frightened with the thought of being shot?

No. I can tell you exactly what I was thinking: Those coworker bastards! They got a guy to come in here to pretend to try to rob me. Oh, well played, Mr. Manager Bill...Well played! But alas, I am on to your game, my friend. Do you think me a puss? Am I an oaf? Nay, sir! I am on to you this time!!!

And then, I burst out laughing. I laugh at the futility of this facade. I laugh at my little actor (and a bad one in my opinion...Totally unconvincing) long and hard, and I give him a look like he's way in over his head here.

I throw my bar towel down. "Ah Christ! You gotta do better than that, buddy!", I say to him, a bit annoyed that I almost fell for it for just a second.

"I'm not playing here man! Open the register!" And I think, the guys in the kitchen are probably having a very good laugh at my expense right now. I'm so done with this joke. They're probably taking bets on when I'd crap my pants. Then, tell me I was sooo gullible. The perfect dupe. Not today.

"Knock that shit off! I got a lot of crap here to do! If you wanna help get that bussing cart from the hallway to the kitchen." And I ignore him. What a stupid joke. He takes off to the side hallway where the cart is staring at me with an odd look. I assume he was going to take my cart of filthy dishes to the back sinks as I asked, and I help the next drunk guy in line.

After about 10 minutes or so, I round the corner and see that the cart hasn't been bussed. So, I take the large tub of dishes, forks and platters and head on to the back. And here I see an unusual site: The entire Pizzamania crew is lined up facing the wall with their hands up... You got to admire their dedication to the joke, I think. I also see an open floor safe.

It seems the "robber" wasn't a joke.

The entire front end, kitchen, and back safe was robbed of all monies. Everything but the bar. Two guys came in to rob everyone, even took the delivery guys stash as he walked in the back door. One of them decided to walk around and steal from the bar register, and got the guy who had it being the butt of jokes that day. I may have been totally clueless, but you don't see me kissing wall and broke. Stupidity is my armor.

And I guess practical joke karma is a bitch, huh?