(another cartoon title reference!)
Jeez, last weekend was hot. Around 105 in some areas, and dry enough to cure jerky.
it was time for a haircut, in my humble opinion. My hair grows like wildfire if kept unchecked. I think it's either a trait within my family or an odd chromosome defect. I cut my own hair for two reasons: I'm cheap, $20 bucks for a haircut that would take all of 10 minutes and 12 snips is a crime! They should charge by the minute or weight of hair removed. And, being artistic, I can do it myself quite well, usually. I've even cut other peoples hair. After all, it's just sculpting with a sharp device.
Anyway, it was an exceedingly hot day, and my hair was in need of a good bitch slapping. I was so exhausted from the heat sapping my energy and my various illnesses (work being one ;), I stumble into the bathroom and get my haircutting gear out.
CAUTION: CHILDREN, DO NOT ALTER YOUR APPEARANCE IF DROWSY!
I thought I'd start from the side with the thinning attachment on the electric cutter. One arm move late, I felt a lot cooler! Then my mind seizes up and literally shocks me fully awake as my eyes spot something on the counter top: the thinning attachment. I look at the electric shears and see a bare blade with quite a lot of hair about the edge. So I swallow a huge psychsomatic lump, and look in the mirror...and find that the side of my head is a two inch racing stripe of bare white skin framed by dark brown hair. I look liked someone took some duck tape and ripped a section of hair off of my head.
In mere microseconds, my mind races from perhaps reapplying the hair back in with a hot glue gun, to using a black magic marker. All stupid ideas. And I feel even more stupid for not being more alert. And I double that feeling by reminding myself, i've actually done this exact thing before, just not this bad. Man, my head feels weird...
So, I call Kim to come down to try to "fix" it. I don't know how you can "fix" the absence of hair, but i'll try anything right now. And she owes me, as I cut off 10 inches of her hair to send to cancer children, and then fixed the length afterword. I did an artistically masterful job, an absolutely no one noticed! It also helped she had about a yards worth of hair to begin with.
So she arrives, and I sort of hide the side of my head to her. She askes if I can turn my head so she can see. I first make her promise NOT to laugh, and turn my head.
She's lousy with promises. And very loud when she brakes them.
I make her sit in another room untill she can control herself and catch her breath without the aid of an inhailer, while I stew angrily.
Twenty minutes later she reappears trying not to laugh and eyes watering. I send her off for another five.
Afterwards, Kims assessing my hair (thank god she can cut hair), and telling me stuff like, "Why did you do it?", "I can't beleive you did this again...", and "you should have checked the shaver before you used it". Gee, thanks. Lets get to the Wayback machine and try those theories out!
So, the only thing she could do to "fix it". was to go shorter and shave the sides. I guess I'm lucky I didn't first cut from ear to ear over the top. I actually like it now, as I haven't had my hair this short since I was 20. It was tricky though, as my head is a morass of scars from all the head traumas i've suffered over the years since childhood. I guess that explains a lot, huh?
And when I went back to work a few days later, most of the hair grew back in so I didn't look like I was assulted by a rogue barber gang at a busstop. It's quite nice, and no one really noticed other than I got a short haircut.
Except my dumbass assistant manager, the ear muffed bald pate Chris.
"Hey, Mike! Looks like you had you're hair cut! Now you look like me! he he..."
I winced at the comparison and stared back at him with a tired anger.
"No, we don't, Chris. My hair loss was an option..."
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Cybering and...YOU!
Once upon a time, the internet was made only of the magical fairie ether-realm called AOL. And this magical land of AOL, which was ruler of all internet gumption, had a dark, dark underworld that bred a river of decite and gluttany. Where everyone was compelled to be someone other that what society proclaimed what was "acceptable in mixed company"
The AOL chatrooms of the 90's. Yes, I was one of those neophyte "World Wide Web" users that know of the internet world through AOL only. We didn't know that we were living vicariously though someone elses backyard. This was an era where you bought books that gave you http addresses to find things like where to buy a hat. And that book had a "hats" chapter.
My error was going to the AOL chatrooms for some interesting conversation. Never have i've seen a collection of egotistical, crass, immature, childish, users who took revenge on their petty lives by trying to be someone else online, usually someone you'd never want to know in real life. Unpleasant misfits from all walks of life.
Here was a few simple things I found out from those times:
1. Never talk to anyone who says (types) one of the following:
"Hello to all the lovely ladies out there..."... Next step is to find someone to cyber with...
"@-\--/--- for all the ladies..." Nothing says "commitment and trust" like a hastingly typed "and" symbol, some dashes and slashes freshly cut from your garden of love...
"Age/Sex check..." I hate this one. I know what i am, why do i need to check every couple of minutes?
"anyone wanna cyber?"...See?
2. Avoid anyone using "gangsta talk", i just reads silly... :
"Wassup ladies", "Whassup sluts", "da partyboy has arrived!" ...I swear to god, I always get a kick out of infantile chatters who start beating their chest and threaten you this way ..,. "dont yo be diss'n me! Me an my homies is gonna comon over and bust a cap in yo ass!" Bwah-HA-hahh-HAA!!!
3. Everyone claims to be any of the following professions in a chatroom:
Fireman, Marine, Police Officer, Proffesional surfer, Stripper or Dancer...
Common "professions": Student, unemployed, paper delevery, magic card collector, McDonalds fry supervisor, loner, outcast... never seemingly chat online.
4. NeVeR TaLk To AnYoNe WhO's pRoFiLe iS tYpEd LiKe ThIs:
This is just annoying and only anyone under 6 still thinks this is cute. Or use "U' and "R" instead of "you are".
And, I don't think real women would choose a name like, "BiggJuggs" or "Sexy4U".
Then, you get the same question over and over if a chatter even THINKS you're a female, "Wanna Cyber?". What is "Cybering"? Thats when a chatter male tries to get a chatter female to go into a private room, and type/pretent to have sex. It's like phone-sex, but both callers have no idea what sex is really about. I can imagine that if someone did ever do this, when you get towards the end, there would be a long pause till someone asks, "er...so...we done here, or..". Maybe it is like the real thing...
Back then, I wanted to get an example of the so called "Cybering", but from a female perspective, since the males were the predetor here. So I created a name that wasn't sexual in any way, but was female. I would identify myself as an educated female by my profile with no sexual terms or suggestiveness, and I "spoke" with intellegence, not the cyber-bimbo. Wanted to see if a female online would get some respect as simply someone who chats...
Y'know, it didn't matter! I had to turn off paging and private messaging just to talk in a chatroom! "Do you want to go to a private room?" I got TONS of requests as soon as "ARCHASHLEY" showed her head. It was like chasing dogs off the back of a meat wagon!
Below is the true adventures of ArchAshley.
No names have been changed to protect anyone... (the language might be harsh here, be forwarned.) And yes, you can see my annoyance with everyone there. Try to guess what a real female would feel like all the time, just wanting to chat and thats it!
____________________________________________________
Ps9994: any hot p***y want some action
ArchAshley: PS9994 seems like a p***y to me....
____________________________________________________
Shagy169: ANY BITCHES WANT TO FUCK
Shagy169: I'm a real man
ArchAshley: ....and?
ArchAshley: so am I! are you naked?
ArchAshley: hello?
(deathly silence)
____________________________________________________
SGJOEKERR: hi sexxie t*** how are you?
ArchAshley: deathly ill after the spinal menagitis. lost some muscle in my vertabre SGJOEKERR: lol
ArchAshley: i don't think that it's funny!
ArchAshley: do you like laughing at other peoples pain?
SGJOEKERR: lol..you are kidding..you gotta be
ArchAshley: what makes you think i'm kidding?!
(deathly silence)
____________________________________________________
G Bullet77: are you really 36
ArchAshley: nope.
ArchAshley: 23
G Bullet77: 23 is my lucky #
ArchAshley: or 17+ 6
ArchAshley: or 28 - 5
G Bullet77: math major
ArchAshley: or 6 x 4 -1
G Bullet77: age/sex/loc?
ArchAshley: or 3rd prime number + 12 x 2 - 13
G Bullet77: you talkin or multiplin
G Bullet77: hello to all the ladies in the room
ArchAshley: or square root of a natural sine / 68 + difference between F and C degrees till Absolute 0 is reached
___________________________________________________
Baseb11111: want to go to private room 27/m
ArchAshley: why?
Baseb11111: to cyber
ArchAshley: okay...
Baseb11111: think u can handle me
ArchAshley: i said "okay", dumbass.
___________________________________________________
OnlineHost: OnlineHost: *** You are in "Baseb11111 Chat70". ***
OnlineHost:
ArchAshley: okay. we're here...
Baseb11111: hey baby
Baseb11111: u have a pic
ArchAshley: "hey baby? you have pic?" this is not cybering...
Baseb11111: well i want to know what i am going to fuck first
ArchAshley: I'm guessing from your sweet talk, usually your closed fist...
Baseb11111: i am going to fuck u all night long
ArchAshley: you've never done this before, have you...
Baseb11111: nope can u help me out
ArchAshley: oh god! an amature!
ArchAshley: "think u can handle me"...jesus!
Baseb11111: take advantage of me then
ArchAshley: Where did you learn that line?
ArchAshley: you can't just go at it like a dog humping a table leg...
Baseb11111: the question is can u handle 10.5 inches of rock hard dick inside u all night long
ArchAshley: sure I could, but then, what will you be doing?
Baseb11111: u like it in the ass
ArchAshley: did you actually measure yourself?!
Baseb11111: nope ex did
ArchAshley: and don't give me the ex-girlfriend routine...
Baseb11111: ook
ArchAshley: no girl would ever take out a tape measure...
(long pause)
ArchAshley: you measured yourself, huh...
Baseb11111: sure
ArchAshley: jeez, there are other hobbies, y'know!
Baseb11111: i am sure u will like it
ArchAshley: how do you know, psychic friend?
OnlineHost: Baseb11111 has left the room.
ArchAshley: hello?
ArchAshley: Hehehe......
______________________________________________________
The AOL chatrooms of the 90's. Yes, I was one of those neophyte "World Wide Web" users that know of the internet world through AOL only. We didn't know that we were living vicariously though someone elses backyard. This was an era where you bought books that gave you http addresses to find things like where to buy a hat. And that book had a "hats" chapter.
My error was going to the AOL chatrooms for some interesting conversation. Never have i've seen a collection of egotistical, crass, immature, childish, users who took revenge on their petty lives by trying to be someone else online, usually someone you'd never want to know in real life. Unpleasant misfits from all walks of life.
Here was a few simple things I found out from those times:
1. Never talk to anyone who says (types) one of the following:
"Hello to all the lovely ladies out there..."... Next step is to find someone to cyber with...
"@-\--/--- for all the ladies..." Nothing says "commitment and trust" like a hastingly typed "and" symbol, some dashes and slashes freshly cut from your garden of love...
"Age/Sex check..." I hate this one. I know what i am, why do i need to check every couple of minutes?
"anyone wanna cyber?"...See?
2. Avoid anyone using "gangsta talk", i just reads silly... :
"Wassup ladies", "Whassup sluts", "da partyboy has arrived!" ...I swear to god, I always get a kick out of infantile chatters who start beating their chest and threaten you this way ..,. "dont yo be diss'n me! Me an my homies is gonna comon over and bust a cap in yo ass!" Bwah-HA-hahh-HAA!!!
3. Everyone claims to be any of the following professions in a chatroom:
Fireman, Marine, Police Officer, Proffesional surfer, Stripper or Dancer...
Common "professions": Student, unemployed, paper delevery, magic card collector, McDonalds fry supervisor, loner, outcast... never seemingly chat online.
4. NeVeR TaLk To AnYoNe WhO's pRoFiLe iS tYpEd LiKe ThIs:
This is just annoying and only anyone under 6 still thinks this is cute. Or use "U' and "R" instead of "you are".
And, I don't think real women would choose a name like, "BiggJuggs" or "Sexy4U".
Then, you get the same question over and over if a chatter even THINKS you're a female, "Wanna Cyber?". What is "Cybering"? Thats when a chatter male tries to get a chatter female to go into a private room, and type/pretent to have sex. It's like phone-sex, but both callers have no idea what sex is really about. I can imagine that if someone did ever do this, when you get towards the end, there would be a long pause till someone asks, "er...so...we done here, or..". Maybe it is like the real thing...
Back then, I wanted to get an example of the so called "Cybering", but from a female perspective, since the males were the predetor here. So I created a name that wasn't sexual in any way, but was female. I would identify myself as an educated female by my profile with no sexual terms or suggestiveness, and I "spoke" with intellegence, not the cyber-bimbo. Wanted to see if a female online would get some respect as simply someone who chats...
Y'know, it didn't matter! I had to turn off paging and private messaging just to talk in a chatroom! "Do you want to go to a private room?" I got TONS of requests as soon as "ARCHASHLEY" showed her head. It was like chasing dogs off the back of a meat wagon!
Below is the true adventures of ArchAshley.
No names have been changed to protect anyone... (the language might be harsh here, be forwarned.) And yes, you can see my annoyance with everyone there. Try to guess what a real female would feel like all the time, just wanting to chat and thats it!
____________________________________________________
Ps9994: any hot p***y want some action
ArchAshley: PS9994 seems like a p***y to me....
____________________________________________________
Shagy169: ANY BITCHES WANT TO FUCK
Shagy169: I'm a real man
ArchAshley: ....and?
ArchAshley: so am I! are you naked?
ArchAshley: hello?
(deathly silence)
____________________________________________________
SGJOEKERR: hi sexxie t*** how are you?
ArchAshley: deathly ill after the spinal menagitis. lost some muscle in my vertabre SGJOEKERR: lol
ArchAshley: i don't think that it's funny!
ArchAshley: do you like laughing at other peoples pain?
SGJOEKERR: lol..you are kidding..you gotta be
ArchAshley: what makes you think i'm kidding?!
(deathly silence)
____________________________________________________
G Bullet77: are you really 36
ArchAshley: nope.
ArchAshley: 23
G Bullet77: 23 is my lucky #
ArchAshley: or 17+ 6
ArchAshley: or 28 - 5
G Bullet77: math major
ArchAshley: or 6 x 4 -1
G Bullet77: age/sex/loc?
ArchAshley: or 3rd prime number + 12 x 2 - 13
G Bullet77: you talkin or multiplin
G Bullet77: hello to all the ladies in the room
ArchAshley: or square root of a natural sine / 68 + difference between F and C degrees till Absolute 0 is reached
___________________________________________________
Baseb11111: want to go to private room 27/m
ArchAshley: why?
Baseb11111: to cyber
ArchAshley: okay...
Baseb11111: think u can handle me
ArchAshley: i said "okay", dumbass.
___________________________________________________
OnlineHost: OnlineHost: *** You are in "Baseb11111 Chat70". ***
OnlineHost:
ArchAshley: okay. we're here...
Baseb11111: hey baby
Baseb11111: u have a pic
ArchAshley: "hey baby? you have pic?" this is not cybering...
Baseb11111: well i want to know what i am going to fuck first
ArchAshley: I'm guessing from your sweet talk, usually your closed fist...
Baseb11111: i am going to fuck u all night long
ArchAshley: you've never done this before, have you...
Baseb11111: nope can u help me out
ArchAshley: oh god! an amature!
ArchAshley: "think u can handle me"...jesus!
Baseb11111: take advantage of me then
ArchAshley: Where did you learn that line?
ArchAshley: you can't just go at it like a dog humping a table leg...
Baseb11111: the question is can u handle 10.5 inches of rock hard dick inside u all night long
ArchAshley: sure I could, but then, what will you be doing?
Baseb11111: u like it in the ass
ArchAshley: did you actually measure yourself?!
Baseb11111: nope ex did
ArchAshley: and don't give me the ex-girlfriend routine...
Baseb11111: ook
ArchAshley: no girl would ever take out a tape measure...
(long pause)
ArchAshley: you measured yourself, huh...
Baseb11111: sure
ArchAshley: jeez, there are other hobbies, y'know!
Baseb11111: i am sure u will like it
ArchAshley: how do you know, psychic friend?
OnlineHost: Baseb11111 has left the room.
ArchAshley: hello?
ArchAshley: Hehehe......
______________________________________________________
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Stupidity is My Armor
Digging about 15 years into my past for this one! This may be proof that being oblivious can be your savior.
I used to work at a pizza place called, oddly enough, Pizzamania in Whittier, California. I worked there on and off for 6 years. Loved the place, as I practically grew up there. Made my first real friends out of high school there. My first real girlfriend. My first real occupational injury (rotary pizza ovens are set at 550 degrees). My first real drunken party.
And my first real brush with death. Although I didn't know my own mortality was in crisis at the time.
When I first began, I was sorta the outsider, evidently, as the rest of the crew liked to play practical jokes on me, from time to time. They even spiked my food with things like pure jalopeno juice. So I was content to be the bartender for the dining room which was an ajacent area from the main counter and kitchen.
One evening while I was washing mugs and glasses, I get the usual half drunk guys using their pizza slice as a impromptu sponge when they knock over their beer mug on the table. And I get something else that night. A guy rushes in the room with a wool mask covering his face, a black zipper jacket, and a 38 snub nose pistol. He comes up to the counter and points it at me...
"gimmie the money...The MONEY!!!", he shouts.
And what did I do when someone points a weapon at my head? What went through my mind that split second? Did my life flash before my eyes? Was I frightened with the thought of being shot?
No. I can tell you exactly what I was thinking: Those coworker bastards! They got a guy to come in here to pretend to try to rob me. Oh, well played, Mr. Manager Bill...Well played! But alas, I am on to your game, my friend. Do you think me a puss? Am I an oaf? Nay, sir! I am on to you this time!!!
And then, I burst out laughing. I laugh at the futility of this facade. I laugh at my little actor (and a bad one in my opinion...Totally unconvincing) long and hard, and I give him a look like he's way in over his head here.
I throw my bar towel down. "Ah Christ! You gotta do better than that, buddy!", I say to him, a bit annoyed that I almost fell for it for just a second.
"I'm not playing here man! Open the register!" And I think, the guys in the kitchen are probably having a very good laugh at my expense right now. I'm so done with this joke. They're probably taking bets on when I'd crap my pants. Then, tell me I was sooo gullible. The perfect dupe. Not today.
"Knock that shit off! I got a lot of crap here to do! If you wanna help get that bussing cart from the hallway to the kitchen." And I ignore him. What a stupid joke. He takes off to the side hallway where the cart is staring at me with an odd look. I assume he was going to take my cart of filthy dishes to the back sinks as I asked, and I help the next drunk guy in line.
After about 10 minutes or so, I round the corner and see that the cart hasn't been bussed. So, I take the large tub of dishes, forks and platters and head on to the back. And here I see an unusual site: The entire Pizzamania crew is lined up facing the wall with their hands up... You got to admire their dedication to the joke, I think. I also see an open floor safe.
It seems the "robber" wasn't a joke.
The entire front end, kitchen, and back safe was robbed of all monies. Everything but the bar. Two guys came in to rob everyone, even took the delivery guys stash as he walked in the back door. One of them decided to walk around and steal from the bar register, and got the guy who had it being the butt of jokes that day. I may have been totally clueless, but you don't see me kissing wall and broke. Stupidity is my armor.
And I guess practical joke karma is a bitch, huh?
I used to work at a pizza place called, oddly enough, Pizzamania in Whittier, California. I worked there on and off for 6 years. Loved the place, as I practically grew up there. Made my first real friends out of high school there. My first real girlfriend. My first real occupational injury (rotary pizza ovens are set at 550 degrees). My first real drunken party.
And my first real brush with death. Although I didn't know my own mortality was in crisis at the time.
When I first began, I was sorta the outsider, evidently, as the rest of the crew liked to play practical jokes on me, from time to time. They even spiked my food with things like pure jalopeno juice. So I was content to be the bartender for the dining room which was an ajacent area from the main counter and kitchen.
One evening while I was washing mugs and glasses, I get the usual half drunk guys using their pizza slice as a impromptu sponge when they knock over their beer mug on the table. And I get something else that night. A guy rushes in the room with a wool mask covering his face, a black zipper jacket, and a 38 snub nose pistol. He comes up to the counter and points it at me...
"gimmie the money...The MONEY!!!", he shouts.
And what did I do when someone points a weapon at my head? What went through my mind that split second? Did my life flash before my eyes? Was I frightened with the thought of being shot?
No. I can tell you exactly what I was thinking: Those coworker bastards! They got a guy to come in here to pretend to try to rob me. Oh, well played, Mr. Manager Bill...Well played! But alas, I am on to your game, my friend. Do you think me a puss? Am I an oaf? Nay, sir! I am on to you this time!!!
And then, I burst out laughing. I laugh at the futility of this facade. I laugh at my little actor (and a bad one in my opinion...Totally unconvincing) long and hard, and I give him a look like he's way in over his head here.
I throw my bar towel down. "Ah Christ! You gotta do better than that, buddy!", I say to him, a bit annoyed that I almost fell for it for just a second.
"I'm not playing here man! Open the register!" And I think, the guys in the kitchen are probably having a very good laugh at my expense right now. I'm so done with this joke. They're probably taking bets on when I'd crap my pants. Then, tell me I was sooo gullible. The perfect dupe. Not today.
"Knock that shit off! I got a lot of crap here to do! If you wanna help get that bussing cart from the hallway to the kitchen." And I ignore him. What a stupid joke. He takes off to the side hallway where the cart is staring at me with an odd look. I assume he was going to take my cart of filthy dishes to the back sinks as I asked, and I help the next drunk guy in line.
After about 10 minutes or so, I round the corner and see that the cart hasn't been bussed. So, I take the large tub of dishes, forks and platters and head on to the back. And here I see an unusual site: The entire Pizzamania crew is lined up facing the wall with their hands up... You got to admire their dedication to the joke, I think. I also see an open floor safe.
It seems the "robber" wasn't a joke.
The entire front end, kitchen, and back safe was robbed of all monies. Everything but the bar. Two guys came in to rob everyone, even took the delivery guys stash as he walked in the back door. One of them decided to walk around and steal from the bar register, and got the guy who had it being the butt of jokes that day. I may have been totally clueless, but you don't see me kissing wall and broke. Stupidity is my armor.
And I guess practical joke karma is a bitch, huh?
Friday, July 07, 2006
Happy IndependaZAARP!
I hope everyone had a "safe and sane" 4th!
I almost made it unscathed this time.
It always seems that holidays are the nexus point of calamity in my life. Something always goes wrong, it can never be anticipated, and only my staying home and hiding, can it be averted. They usually involve car accidents, and I try to only walk those days. Memorial day, sideswipe and car totaled. Birthday, went to then girlfriends house only to be rear ended and have THAT car totaled. St. Paddys day this year...Read that blog...
Needless to say, I'm not partial to driving.
So here we are at the 4th of July 2006. My car is parked across the street to avoid any firework discharges. But I feel like getting some food this evening, and I figure, "the store is only a few blocks away, driving should be safe on the rual streets". Why I chose to ignore my past I'll never know. But you'll see, it was for a good reason I did.
I go to the store and pick up a frozen pizza. As I walk to to the car, ignoring that fact I decided to no purchase any fireworks this year, I notice that the ugly clouds above were thunderous...
Then I see a huge blot of lightning slam into the ground a few blocks away! That was incredible, I think! I hope my cat is okay. He's usually hiding under the sofa on a loud explosion day like this. Then a few more stikes. Even another one almost where the first biggest one hit. Just like an awesome fireworks display!
I start to drive back home a few blocks, I notice, No lights are on in any house or street. Completely black. Wonder if the bolt hit a transformer. I remember a presidents birthday that I was almost struck by lightning when it hit a power pole transformer I was next to. Kinda cool actually.
Wait a sec... My house is right about where those bolts struck...
Then I see.
There's a 75 foot oak across the street from my house. The first bolt stuck the tree and blew the top 25 feet off. The bolt traveled down the tree and stripped it of all bark, exploding branches all the way down and sending it hundreds of yards in all direction, including the alvoves and windows of houses across the street. The second bolt hit the tree nearby, shredding it in half and sending the charge through the powerline...That goes to my house.
I drive past people out in the streets with candles and flashlights and run up to my house. My house is completely dark, and the lights start to flicker back on as I desperately call out to my cat. My God, he must be terrified that this happened!!
The light come back on, and I search franticly. As I pass my the TV, I turn it on, as the sound comforts him. It doesn't go on at first, then a big spark and it now looks like my TV took acid and is listening to Jefferson airplane. What the hell? I run upstairs and see not only are clocks not running, but some are actually fallen off the tables.
And here I find my cat lying on the bed. I touch him to check, trying not to think of the worst...When he shocks me. Literally shocks me with a static charge! And he get's up all annoyed that I woke him! He's a big statically puff ball now! If I were to rub him and toss him against the wall, he'd stick.
After I feed the now mutated electo-cat, I check all my electronics in the house, and find that most of them are shorted out! My TV, my router and phones, my computer and monitor, and dammit, my x-box! Aww dammit! What about my surge protectors? It seems, they're all okay
Here's what happened. The first bolt of lightning took out the big tree, and exposed the second lower (now tallest) tree. The second bolt hit that tree and traveled to the powerline and internet coaxial that was next to tree. That traveled across to my house And across the roof to the grounding poles, which happen to be located just outside my back window. The hit created a pulse, that bypassed all surge protectors (as it didn't travel through a powerline at that point) and fried all my electronics...and supercharged my cat.
Needless to say I had too much fireworks for one night.
But, here's the irony. I was the lucky one.
My neighbors TV's exploded. Computers fused. Windows broken from the missile like tree shards. I spent all day repairing fuses and wiring network cards and de-gaussing screens with a gadget I wipped up, and repaired everything except a modem, phones, and dammit, my x-box.
But that isn't the irony I was talking about. remember the tree that had the top 25 feet of it blown off? Where did that tonnage of tree go? Right where my car was parked not 10 minutes before. If I didn't ignore all my warnings and drive, I'd have no car, but a large metal planter. The same tree I thought was the safest placew to park that night.
So the street was closed off while all kinds of ciry workers cleared the way, and I sit here petting a cat that gives off a slight spark.
All in all, not a bad holiday. maybe next year, I might actually go out.
After grounding my cat.
I almost made it unscathed this time.
It always seems that holidays are the nexus point of calamity in my life. Something always goes wrong, it can never be anticipated, and only my staying home and hiding, can it be averted. They usually involve car accidents, and I try to only walk those days. Memorial day, sideswipe and car totaled. Birthday, went to then girlfriends house only to be rear ended and have THAT car totaled. St. Paddys day this year...Read that blog...
Needless to say, I'm not partial to driving.
So here we are at the 4th of July 2006. My car is parked across the street to avoid any firework discharges. But I feel like getting some food this evening, and I figure, "the store is only a few blocks away, driving should be safe on the rual streets". Why I chose to ignore my past I'll never know. But you'll see, it was for a good reason I did.
I go to the store and pick up a frozen pizza. As I walk to to the car, ignoring that fact I decided to no purchase any fireworks this year, I notice that the ugly clouds above were thunderous...
Then I see a huge blot of lightning slam into the ground a few blocks away! That was incredible, I think! I hope my cat is okay. He's usually hiding under the sofa on a loud explosion day like this. Then a few more stikes. Even another one almost where the first biggest one hit. Just like an awesome fireworks display!
I start to drive back home a few blocks, I notice, No lights are on in any house or street. Completely black. Wonder if the bolt hit a transformer. I remember a presidents birthday that I was almost struck by lightning when it hit a power pole transformer I was next to. Kinda cool actually.
Wait a sec... My house is right about where those bolts struck...
Then I see.
There's a 75 foot oak across the street from my house. The first bolt stuck the tree and blew the top 25 feet off. The bolt traveled down the tree and stripped it of all bark, exploding branches all the way down and sending it hundreds of yards in all direction, including the alvoves and windows of houses across the street. The second bolt hit the tree nearby, shredding it in half and sending the charge through the powerline...That goes to my house.
I drive past people out in the streets with candles and flashlights and run up to my house. My house is completely dark, and the lights start to flicker back on as I desperately call out to my cat. My God, he must be terrified that this happened!!
The light come back on, and I search franticly. As I pass my the TV, I turn it on, as the sound comforts him. It doesn't go on at first, then a big spark and it now looks like my TV took acid and is listening to Jefferson airplane. What the hell? I run upstairs and see not only are clocks not running, but some are actually fallen off the tables.
And here I find my cat lying on the bed. I touch him to check, trying not to think of the worst...When he shocks me. Literally shocks me with a static charge! And he get's up all annoyed that I woke him! He's a big statically puff ball now! If I were to rub him and toss him against the wall, he'd stick.
After I feed the now mutated electo-cat, I check all my electronics in the house, and find that most of them are shorted out! My TV, my router and phones, my computer and monitor, and dammit, my x-box! Aww dammit! What about my surge protectors? It seems, they're all okay
Here's what happened. The first bolt of lightning took out the big tree, and exposed the second lower (now tallest) tree. The second bolt hit that tree and traveled to the powerline and internet coaxial that was next to tree. That traveled across to my house And across the roof to the grounding poles, which happen to be located just outside my back window. The hit created a pulse, that bypassed all surge protectors (as it didn't travel through a powerline at that point) and fried all my electronics...and supercharged my cat.
Needless to say I had too much fireworks for one night.
But, here's the irony. I was the lucky one.
My neighbors TV's exploded. Computers fused. Windows broken from the missile like tree shards. I spent all day repairing fuses and wiring network cards and de-gaussing screens with a gadget I wipped up, and repaired everything except a modem, phones, and dammit, my x-box.
But that isn't the irony I was talking about. remember the tree that had the top 25 feet of it blown off? Where did that tonnage of tree go? Right where my car was parked not 10 minutes before. If I didn't ignore all my warnings and drive, I'd have no car, but a large metal planter. The same tree I thought was the safest placew to park that night.
So the street was closed off while all kinds of ciry workers cleared the way, and I sit here petting a cat that gives off a slight spark.
All in all, not a bad holiday. maybe next year, I might actually go out.
After grounding my cat.

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