So, It's Your Birthday Lets Get Humiliated!

Once a year, people think that there is a time for you to be humiliated and embarrassed. And because it's this "certain" time, you have to be a "good sport" about it. Any other day, it's acceptable to rebuke the way your treated.

But, not on your Birthday.

There are some benefits though. 25% off goodwill. You need to get a new photo on your expired Drivers License. And, if you know how to play your cards right, free birthday food and cake at restaurants.

I had a free gourmet burger at Red Robin coupon. Since that place is hideously expensive, and they have bottomless steak fries, I'll take them up on the offer. All I have to do is navigate the birthday mindfield. I know what food joints do. I need to be extra careful today.

So, I was talked into going the day before my birthday for lunch, some people I know went with me (my first misstep). When I got back from the bathroom, I see a small huddle of the server with the others at the table. When I get there, trying to be sneaky as to overhear what I know is going on, I can almost cut the awkwardness with a knife. My Spider-sense is tingling. The server stammers, "so...Um..I'll get that...Um...Drink for you...", and he scampers off. Nice acting, the daytime emmy is going to someone else this year, me thinks.

Now I'm in full paranoid mode. I see every movement from my peripheral vision. I flinch when a bunch of servers get together. I take small bites as to not have them all spring out when I have a big mouthful. I can hear "Charley" in the bushes.

I try to ignore the inevitable, but I know what going to happen when I finish my lunch. It's as inevitable as the green mile walk to the executioner. Waiting for a dentist. I take advantage of my bottomless steak fries and get 3 more baskets. But, I can only eat so much before I must fall to my predators.

And I see balloons coming closer...

These guys aren't too stealthy. The main server wraps the strings of a balloon around my head. Wraps! Oh, but for the quiet dignity of an actual balloon hat. Since making a hat by tying together balloons is too much of an effort. I now need to balance two balloons with my ears. I am so happy with this, so far. Where's my damn ice cream.

"ladies and gentlemen!", my server cries out to the near empty room. "Michael here is celebrating his 21st birthday today!" I was told my expression was priceless on hearing this. Later, I found out that I arrived at the table before anyone could tell Mr. Red robin how old I really was. I guess that is flattering. But saying I'm "celebrating" at this place is taking huge liberties.

Then the rest of the serving mob comes, and the main server speaks, "Okay. Happy Birthday on three..."

What?! You need to tell them this is a birthday, and the proper song needs to be synchronized? The balloons wasn't clue enough? Do they have a huge song list they refer to? Was someone going to mistakenly sing the "We hope you pass your stone" song instead? Please, lord, please let them at least "sing" happy birthday, and not that damn "clapping song"

What's wrong with actually singing the "happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Michael, happy birthday to you!". I wont sue them for digital theft.

They start the clapping song. My mind just tunes out at this point. I guess the falsetto parts of the original happy birthday song is a little stressing to these rythmless minimum wage workers.

"Happy happy happy! Happy day to you..." I see Ren and Stimpy dancing in the background of my subconsious. Clap clap clap clap. "Happy birthday...TO YOU!!!" Then they all peel away, as if someone farted, to get back to busing a table and muttering "hrm...happibrrthduh..." as they dont even make eye contact. That final greeting was as energetic as if I just asked "so, who wants to clean the cat box?"

By this time, my pathetic ice cream was half melted. Somehow, I don't think that was worth the price of free.

But, at least through this humilation crubicle, I know I look like I'm still 21! happy happy happy! Happy day to me! I am now a real man once again, thanks to the magical elders of the Red Robin village!

Clap clap clap clap...