So, It's Your Birthday Lets Get Humiliated!

Once a year, people think that there is a time for you to be humiliated and embarrassed. And because it's this "certain" time, you have to be a "good sport" about it. Any other day, it's acceptable to rebuke the way your treated.

But, not on your Birthday.

There are some benefits though. 25% off goodwill. You need to get a new photo on your expired Drivers License. And, if you know how to play your cards right, free birthday food and cake at restaurants.

I had a free gourmet burger at Red Robin coupon. Since that place is hideously expensive, and they have bottomless steak fries, I'll take them up on the offer. All I have to do is navigate the birthday mindfield. I know what food joints do. I need to be extra careful today.

So, I was talked into going the day before my birthday for lunch, some people I know went with me (my first misstep). When I got back from the bathroom, I see a small huddle of the server with the others at the table. When I get there, trying to be sneaky as to overhear what I know is going on, I can almost cut the awkwardness with a knife. My Spider-sense is tingling. The server stammers, "so...Um..I'll get that...Um...Drink for you...", and he scampers off. Nice acting, the daytime emmy is going to someone else this year, me thinks.

Now I'm in full paranoid mode. I see every movement from my peripheral vision. I flinch when a bunch of servers get together. I take small bites as to not have them all spring out when I have a big mouthful. I can hear "Charley" in the bushes.

I try to ignore the inevitable, but I know what going to happen when I finish my lunch. It's as inevitable as the green mile walk to the executioner. Waiting for a dentist. I take advantage of my bottomless steak fries and get 3 more baskets. But, I can only eat so much before I must fall to my predators.

And I see balloons coming closer...

These guys aren't too stealthy. The main server wraps the strings of a balloon around my head. Wraps! Oh, but for the quiet dignity of an actual balloon hat. Since making a hat by tying together balloons is too much of an effort. I now need to balance two balloons with my ears. I am so happy with this, so far. Where's my damn ice cream.

"ladies and gentlemen!", my server cries out to the near empty room. "Michael here is celebrating his 21st birthday today!" I was told my expression was priceless on hearing this. Later, I found out that I arrived at the table before anyone could tell Mr. Red robin how old I really was. I guess that is flattering. But saying I'm "celebrating" at this place is taking huge liberties.

Then the rest of the serving mob comes, and the main server speaks, "Okay. Happy Birthday on three..."

What?! You need to tell them this is a birthday, and the proper song needs to be synchronized? The balloons wasn't clue enough? Do they have a huge song list they refer to? Was someone going to mistakenly sing the "We hope you pass your stone" song instead? Please, lord, please let them at least "sing" happy birthday, and not that damn "clapping song"

What's wrong with actually singing the "happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Michael, happy birthday to you!". I wont sue them for digital theft.

They start the clapping song. My mind just tunes out at this point. I guess the falsetto parts of the original happy birthday song is a little stressing to these rythmless minimum wage workers.

"Happy happy happy! Happy day to you..." I see Ren and Stimpy dancing in the background of my subconsious. Clap clap clap clap. "Happy birthday...TO YOU!!!" Then they all peel away, as if someone farted, to get back to busing a table and muttering "hrm...happibrrthduh..." as they dont even make eye contact. That final greeting was as energetic as if I just asked "so, who wants to clean the cat box?"

By this time, my pathetic ice cream was half melted. Somehow, I don't think that was worth the price of free.

But, at least through this humilation crubicle, I know I look like I'm still 21! happy happy happy! Happy day to me! I am now a real man once again, thanks to the magical elders of the Red Robin village!

Clap clap clap clap...

The Funniest Thing I Ever Saw at Disneyland

I love Disneyland. It's my perfect happy place. I used to go there almost everyday, with one of those passports, when "passport" ment something. When there were ticket books and the passport people were special.

I'd go there to eat lunch, draw people, or just look around and unwind. I'd know when something changed on a attraction, when there was fresh paint, and when to avoid the churros just my smelling them from afar. I would feel the surroundings and forget my day...

And this is where I saw the funniest thing I ever saw.

One day, I was tooling about Disneyland and happened upon a small birthday part in Fantasyland. These are nice affairs with human sized costumed characters dancing about and giving out hugs. Now, there is a official commandment from Walt himself: NO actor (employee) shall never be see in public without the full costume.

Ever. On pain of death, I believe. Costumes ripped or missing a glove, you don't leave the cast area. Period. There are secret Disney police for this that hop out of the shadows, inject you with pixie dust, and "re-condition" you in case this ever happens.

Anyway, this was a Winnie the Pooh party for some 2-3 year olds. And everyone was having a good time. There was Eeyore, Tigger, and Pooh dancing about in a small circle, tra-la-la...

Then, all my hopes and dreams of a unfortunate circumstance happened, and I was there to bare witness to the spectacle. Cuz, y'see, like I said before: If somehing terrible happends to you, that's tragedy. When it happens to someone else, that's comedy.

Tragi-comedy exploded when on a dancing turn, Eeyore slipped on some random cake slice with those big metal shod, stupid feet. He when down like a shot duck! And then the wonderful happened...

His head flew off.

Instantly, all hell broke lose! Pooh and Tigger, like trained swat, dogpiled on Eeyore to cover his head. Pin him down but good and covered the exposed humans head with there furry bodies. They then quickly and without being gentle, dragged human-head Eeyore to the now opening backdrop and away from the public. Those Disney goons respond fast!

After a breath of a pause, the ear splitting screaming and crying of 12 children start up, and I bust out laughing, wishing I to God had a camera.

Do you know what those children saw?! A dancing mule, bear, and tiger, all of a sudden pouncing on the mule, violently, a head flying away, and the bear and tiger dragging their be-headed prey back into the lair to finish the job. Those kids just witnessed the food chain...live!

Happy birthday, Youngsters! See Pooh maul a donkey! You cant get better entertainment than this, unless you're in the wild! Those poor kids will be in therapy for life.

"Mommy! Mommy!! Why did Tigger kill Eeyore! *sob*" "Did they eat Eeyore?!" "Is Pooh bad?"

As the frazzled moms and attendants tried to calm the children down with a sing-a-long, out came a maintenance worker. He walked over to the bushes, fished out the now dead-eyed head of a gray mule, and walked backstage with it.

And the crying began anew. Ah, the Circle of Life! Live...At Disneyland!

As my birthday comes up, it tickles me to think of this day. Maybe I'll go to a Chucky Cheese, and see what happens.

Like I said, Disneyland forged the best memories from me. Even working at Disney Animation, the perk was the park pass.

When I die, I hope to have my ashes spread about the park. I know they wouldn't take to kindly on that, and the street sweepers are diligent, so I came up with a plan. Place my ashes inside a crutch. Pop that rubber stopper on that puppy. Pretend to have a foot injury and walk into the park. Unstop the crutch and sprinkle to taste!

Maybe a anamorphic animal will slip on me, and behead himself in a parade route. That would be awesome.

Happy Birthday to me!

Time Flies When Things Suck

I apologize for not writing anything for quite a few days.

So much has happened, and I don't like bogging people down with my poop.

He's the "previously on..." Teaser:

Car resolution. Broken tooth. Root canal. Bone contusions. Ripped ligaments. Shock therapy (no no...a tens unit to help my torn tissue). Cats sick. Better Business Bureau. Doctors, doctors, doctors. Enough pain killers that'll make Keith Richards swoon. Garlic Jims Pizza. Amoxicillin. Taking over the Legendaries (just temp!). Hypertension. Isn't lupus a rabbit? Upcoming birthday.

Speaking of birthdays, i'm finally starting to feel old.

I've felt like I'm 16 all my life. I revel in the fact that I think this way. But yesterday, my resolve was shattered...

An old old man came in my line when I was covering the brake of the cashier. He paid with cash and took the change out of this little plastic purse with a slit on top. I And oh my god...I automatically thought...

"say... That's a great idea! I can use one of th..."

Before I could finish the thought, my mind almost seized on me as punishment.

I'm surprised I wasn't also jealous of his wide white belt and long shorts, gardered black socks, net golf cap, and chain for his "bifocals".

Didn't help my bones and teeth hurt. Oy vey. Who are you? Where's my soup?

Mmmm...soup....

by the way, why do people carry buttons in those change thingys?

Good news? My glucose level is excellent and normal with diet alone.
Bad News? My bloodpressure is like a frightened birds.

Could be worse, I guess. Gas could go over three dollars a gal...

aw crap...