Toast is evil

I have one great fear, and it is a fear that all would share, but the many are also ignorant to it's depravity. In all my travels, in all my experiences, in every culture there are three constants that is only unique in humankind: A belief in a higher being and a possible afterlife... The quest for quality footwear...

And... toast ...

and toast is EVIL

"toast?" you might say. "A simple little slab of bread? This is harmless..."

But, this is where you are wrong. Toast is not bread exactly. toast is created by burning the already edible bread to a state where you actually need to add flavors to make it edible. the bread is now dead. From it's literal ashes, comes the bread of the undead: toast.

Need proof? there is plenty to be found

Proof number one: Toast is Immortal

Toast is the only food that is created by destroying food. You can try to burn toast, but you are only creating it more. and if you do happen to "burn" toast, you need only scrape the toast to make it edible. And, if bread is at the end of it's shelf life (i.e. stale), you can still make toast!

Proof number three: Toast is an Enigma

Toast spells evil! All you do is reverse the letters in toast, then take out the pairs of letters (the T's) and you have "sao". Now, you have two vowels and an "s". If you ignore "U" (which is what toast wants you to do. There is no "you" when it comes to toast, only toast, itself.) The only vowels not used are "e" and "i". Now the "s" is traded for a "l", which is just the straightened out "s", and then you add the unused "v": you now have EVIL!

Proof number two: Toast Decides Your Fate

If you drop toast on the ground, it always lands face down, showing off it's dark and mystical origins. Toast has also forced mankind to make an appliance for it that is only made to service it: the toaster! Mankind was also forced to create additional meals that could be made to fit in a toaster. Obviously so that the toast can fool you into thinking that tons of other products can be used in this hellish heating coil machine of carbon death. When you have breakfast at a resturant, they always give you mounds of toast, on it's own plate and usually before the actual meal, which you never eat and is never asked for. Coincidence? I think not!

Proof number four: Toast is Dehumanizing

Is it mere accident that we are carbon based lifeforms, and toast is carbonized wheat? Are we just eating our own soul metaphorically? Sliced up in lil' triangles and served with jam. If you were in the deasert for 30 days without food and water, what is the last thing you would ever want to eat? yup, toast. Dry, burnt, cut up, always on your lunch plate, tastless TOAST!

So, there you have it: Toast is evil. I hope you can sleep better at night knowing that you probably have bread and a toaster down in the kitchen ready to spawn the black evil death known as toast. Now who's crazy? Yeah, crazy like a fox!

So, next time you're at a diner, and the waitress brings you toast without your permission, grab that toast and say "Nay, fiend! I will not bend my will to thee! I rebuke you buttery slice and the souless serving wench that brought you to me!" . Then throw them at the server.

She'll thank you for it later behind the trash bins in the alley and you'll feel better by defeating the evil!