Bad movie review: King Kong

Hey now! Before anyone gets their pantaloons in a bunch, I don't mean Peter Jackson's amazing King Kong (2005). I just saw it and since everyone in the world has reviewed it positively, I can't add much more. Go see it, you'll thank me.

Nor am I talking about Meridian C. Coopers classic original King Kong (1933). Even now, the movie still holds up.

No. Ladies and gents, behold the travesty that is...King Kong (1979) staring Jeff Bridges, Charles Grodin, and introducing Jessica Lange. I haven't seen in since I was a child on pay cable, and just watched it on AMC since then... Now this, hasn't aged well at all.

Firstly, I think it's brave of Jessica Lange to play her character completely coked up. There's no other way to describe her giggling, empty looked motions her character "Dwan" goes through. Yes, they changed "Ann Darrow" to "Dwan". Just as well, no one in this movie is like the 1933, or 2005, version. Jack Driscole, first mate, is now Jack Prescott (Bridges), scientist and enviromentalist for an oil tanker expedition. Did I mention the store revolves around finding oil? This was 1976...

Mr. Grodin plays his Carl Denham bastardization character, "Fred Wilson" like a bad Snidely Whiplash imitation, with the mustache twisting and teeth gnashing included. All that pales to glorious badness that is Kong himself.

When the oil tanker arrives on Skull Island, the backdrops look like a sitcom outdoor setting. The only wildlife you can feel are probably the gaffers union workers having a smoke behind the colored sky backdrop while the camera is rolling. But, them we meet Kong, literally, a man in a monkey suit.

I know, I should cut some slack on the look of Kong in 1976, but an ape has a different shape and look than a man. The gorillas in those three stooges shorts looked and acted better. I mean, the face mask looked great, but the suit looked like a baggy mohair jumper. Later, the producers of this train wreck actually built a 35 foot tall King Kong that had his arms move up and down slowly while the rest of his body looked like a stuffed cadaver. Everytime I saw this awesome sight, the first thought in my mind was "I miss those rose parade floats with the animation bits".
After wrestling some snake muppets, like you would act out with a garden hose, Kong is captured and taken to New York... To promote the gas company. Isn't that like Mobile traveling the country with a crock tank? Anyhow, he's taken to what looks like a state fairgrounds parking lot. The director, I think had trouble filling the seats for this scene, as the same extras are placed in different areas to fill out the scene. You can even see some of them use there coats on some seats to help the illusion that "this seat is taken".

Kong is brought out in a gigantic gas pump. That splits open to reveal Kong in a stand up iron cage, shackled, and with a gigantic crown on his head. How the workers got a 10 foot diameter crown to stay on Kongs head is beyond me. I can't even make my cat wear a tiny cowboy hat, no matter how tight I hold him still. He brakes free rather easy (wouldn't happen if those were Teamsters chains) , steps on Fred Wilson, steps on some extras, who proceed to do "The Fish" on the ground afterwards, and goes after Dwan and Jack.

Of couse, in the middle of the chase, Dwan wants Jack to buy her a drink at a bar, and probably to do a new line, to "refreshen" her acting chops. Kong grabs her and climbs the twin towers. And we all know the ending.

Except, that this Kong spawned a sequel, King Kong Lives (1986), where the "I'm not quite dead" Kong has to get an emergency heart transplant from "Lady Kong" back on Skull Island. This is not a joke. Look it up.

Actually, Ms. Lange portrays the most unsympathetic and badly acted "Ann" character ever. Even Toho's King Kong Escapes (1967) cute lil' blond American actress (Linda Miller as Lt. Susan Watson, probably couldn't get a acting job stateside) did a much better job.

So, King King (1976). Terrible. So of course, I'm entertained and love it. I love exceedingly bad movies! Watch it if you can, laugh at it and throw things at your TV like I did, and enjoy slowing down and rubbernecking this highway accident!

Toast is evil

I have one great fear, and it is a fear that all would share, but the many are also ignorant to it's depravity. In all my travels, in all my experiences, in every culture there are three constants that is only unique in humankind: A belief in a higher being and a possible afterlife... The quest for quality footwear...

And... toast ...

and toast is EVIL

"toast?" you might say. "A simple little slab of bread? This is harmless..."

But, this is where you are wrong. Toast is not bread exactly. toast is created by burning the already edible bread to a state where you actually need to add flavors to make it edible. the bread is now dead. From it's literal ashes, comes the bread of the undead: toast.

Need proof? there is plenty to be found

Proof number one: Toast is Immortal

Toast is the only food that is created by destroying food. You can try to burn toast, but you are only creating it more. and if you do happen to "burn" toast, you need only scrape the toast to make it edible. And, if bread is at the end of it's shelf life (i.e. stale), you can still make toast!

Proof number three: Toast is an Enigma

Toast spells evil! All you do is reverse the letters in toast, then take out the pairs of letters (the T's) and you have "sao". Now, you have two vowels and an "s". If you ignore "U" (which is what toast wants you to do. There is no "you" when it comes to toast, only toast, itself.) The only vowels not used are "e" and "i". Now the "s" is traded for a "l", which is just the straightened out "s", and then you add the unused "v": you now have EVIL!

Proof number two: Toast Decides Your Fate

If you drop toast on the ground, it always lands face down, showing off it's dark and mystical origins. Toast has also forced mankind to make an appliance for it that is only made to service it: the toaster! Mankind was also forced to create additional meals that could be made to fit in a toaster. Obviously so that the toast can fool you into thinking that tons of other products can be used in this hellish heating coil machine of carbon death. When you have breakfast at a resturant, they always give you mounds of toast, on it's own plate and usually before the actual meal, which you never eat and is never asked for. Coincidence? I think not!

Proof number four: Toast is Dehumanizing

Is it mere accident that we are carbon based lifeforms, and toast is carbonized wheat? Are we just eating our own soul metaphorically? Sliced up in lil' triangles and served with jam. If you were in the deasert for 30 days without food and water, what is the last thing you would ever want to eat? yup, toast. Dry, burnt, cut up, always on your lunch plate, tastless TOAST!

So, there you have it: Toast is evil. I hope you can sleep better at night knowing that you probably have bread and a toaster down in the kitchen ready to spawn the black evil death known as toast. Now who's crazy? Yeah, crazy like a fox!

So, next time you're at a diner, and the waitress brings you toast without your permission, grab that toast and say "Nay, fiend! I will not bend my will to thee! I rebuke you buttery slice and the souless serving wench that brought you to me!" . Then throw them at the server.

She'll thank you for it later behind the trash bins in the alley and you'll feel better by defeating the evil!

Things that annoy me for December

Well, once again, the world annoys me in one way or another.

• People who use their cell-phone as a walkie talkie: Isn't the point of a cell phone is to have portable private conversations? They make ear pieces y'know. All I know is that i'll be in a market, and i'll hear a shrill beep and a crackly mono voice screaming, "How much does the shovel cost?!!". Quickly followed by more loud beeps, and a "What?! Repeat that? Over!". Now the whole store can share in this incredible piece of their lives. Will he get the flat-tip shovel? Will they instead get a rake? My bladder cannot survive the suspense!

• Customers who call you "boss": "...Say, boss. Wheres the batteries?". Am I now conversing with Chico Marx? I can take "Dude", "Mister", "hey you"...but "boss"? It's even more annoying than "Chief". I'd like to be called any of these if I am indeed, the "Boss". Mr. Springstein. Capt'n. Sheriff. Jedi Master. Turkey (my ode to the seventies). Any of the 7 dwarves other than Happy.

• Rappers that use old cool songs, remove the cool lyrics, add their own unrealted stupid ones, and then act as if they "created" a new song. When "Ice Ice Baby" came out and stole Queens "Under Pressure" with some of the most insipid lyrics in this plane of reality, who know what door this would open. I hate hearing the first guitar chords to a great some like Americas "Ventura Highway", then hearing some no talent add some electric drum tracks, toss out the original song emotional concept of being alone on the road, and replace it with some crap about how your lover likes yo booty. I swear, that kinda slamming on the creative brakes gave me an audio equivilant of a whiplash...

• Extremly white kids who wear their hats at a perfect 15 degree angle: Is there a tool that is issued to white kids that enables then to rotate the brim of a hat exactly to the right so the angle is between 0 and 45 degrees? Do they really think when they swager in with the oversize shirts and gignormous pants lashed to their knees, that for one moment, I think that they come "from da hood"? Saw a 10 year old kid once with some huge serious "bling" about his neck on a gold chain. His mom must have bought it, and I wonder if she went to Mervins and selected the "Playah" pendant for her special youngster...

• The price of popcorn and drinks in a theater: $4.00 for a popcorn. I can buy like 15 bags of kernels for that. $4.75 for a "small drink". AND, you're paying for the ice too. Which proves that water is the most expensive liquid on the planet. I'm brainstorming how to sneak in food and drinks. It cost exactly as much to buy food there as it does for a ticket, if not more. I realize that this is the theaters way of making a profit, but don't spank me, geez! I'd rather if you had to rent a microwave for 5 minutes for a dollar, and then i could bring in my own food.

...Oh, and notice they dont ask you if you want "butter" on the popcorn. They say "butter flavoring". What is "Butter Flavoring"? All I know, is that it's not butter. I usually say, "Yes I would, but not that petrolium crap you usually offer..." What they offer can eat through fabric in seconds.

Happy-ish Holidays!

Okay.

I'm never home on Sundays, and i'm at work from 8am till 5pm usually, it's nice to be able to sleep in on a weekend for once. I'm actually trying to be lazy and wrap myself in a blanket and do what everyone else does every Christmas morning...

Watch a Three Stooges marathon!

If you're a guy, i don't need to explain what joy that means. If you're a gal, I cannot explain the meaning. It's like a woman trying to explain minstral cramps. We will never get it, unless we have a monthy period. Same with the Stooges.

Woman: "Why do you like them? They're so stupid!"
Man: "...thats the point!!

That like not liking comedy because it doesn't take itself seriously. I guess Robin Williams comes close to the "he's too stupid to be funny". But, he acts like he's funny. Like comedians who laugh at their own jokes before you. Now you feel obligated to chortle, like you cant make your own mind on whats funny to you. Now you feel angry for being forced to laugh, and you now don't know if what they did is actually funny, or you gave in to peer pressure.

I guess thats why male humans like the Stooges. Thats our way of independance.

Yeah they're stupid, but tell me you haven't done something similarly stupid? Humor is familiararity. Men and women do stupid things, but only men really laugh at their own stupidity openly.

Remember: If you fall down an open manhole, it's tragedy. If you see someone else fall down a manhole, thats comedy!

To everything, there is a beginning

It's Christmastime...

And, as always, it's nice to be able to survive the day with minimal worries. If thats all I get for Christmas, I think i'm ahead of the game.

On my original website, I wanted to post essays of various things that enter my mind. The problem was between the time I try to empty my brain and then create the HTML, links, and crap, it comes out as a dry book report. Or worst yet, i'm staring at a blank text box. And at that time I say to myself, "Is what i'm going to say worth all this trouble?". And I start to overedit i my mind. I should just flow. My forum posts, I believe come alive due to that.

Don't think, just do. (well, thats very Yoda-ish)

So, my present to myself is a blog!

Now I can post whatever I feel, whenever I feel. No matter how short, long, verbose, or moronic it turns out to be.

Lets see if I turn this into something over the year.

Merry Christmas all...