Bible of the Bro (part deux)

A bit back, I did promise to expound my wisdom about the male condition to all my female readers. I thought being a "scab" would automatically ostracize me from the ranks of bro-dom. And, sad to say, fear took a grip upon me like I was a lone rebel upon the Deathstar...

How typically male of me! I didn't realize that since my site does have breasts or sports statistics, NO male would ever visit it! This page is like a forgotten realm that anyone with hangy down parts wil never trespass. There's just not enough testosterone to sustain a dudes "dude-atude". He's either have to embrace the fact that he has feelings, or wither and die in the most dramatic way a sick male can. (you ladies with "all man", beer and firetrucks, boyfriends know all about what happens when he gets a tiny sniffle. Hell, I do that too!)

So, once again i'm going to let out the secret handbook of being a "dude":

And in the tradition of a standard bible, i'm bringing today, the Psalms part...

• Never watch the movie "The Notebook"
• No phone conversations in a public restroom.
• Never dress to match your girlfriend or wife.
• Two men should never walk down the street under the same umbrella.
• No man should ever ride bitch on an other man's motorcycle. (oh, Dr. Jones! How could you?!)
• Under no circumstances is any man allowed to send an emoticon ;-) =) :-p etc. to another man.
• You can't narc out a buddy for showing up to work hungover. You can however harass him as much as possible.
• A man must never wear a Speedo in public. The exceptions are water polo players, secret agents, and dudes who are tough enough to kick everyone's ass.
• If you need to change in a public bathroom use the stall
• No man shall ever feed or be fed by another man, unless the recipient of said feeding is physically or mentally handicapped, or otherwise restricted in any way that prevents feeding oneself.
• There is no reason for a man to watch men's figure skating or men's gymnastics. Ever.
• Unless you're in prison, never fight naked
• No man should ever speak badly about bacon, handguns, beer, Batman, or sex.
• No man shall ever work another man's BBQ unless specifically asked to.
• No man shall have any kind of fuzzy decoration on, or in, his car.
• "If" your girlfriend or wife finds your porn, cop to it. In fact be proud. Real men are not ashamed of watching porn. If your mom finds it, blame someone else.
• No man shall ever be required to buy another man a birthday gift. In fact, even remembering you're buddies birthday is strictly optional.
• If you bring beer to a party and need to leave, the beer stays.
• No man shall complement another mans entire wardrobe, only on individual items of clothing.
• Unless in the entertainment industry, no man shall wear makeup.
• No man shall ever use another mans chap stick. And especially never comment on how it tastes.
• Never call another man while you are taking a dump... A picture message with your cell phone is however acceptable.

Something else I should dispel about men: Although we say no man shall ever touch another mans crotch, by simply using a balled up fist and a quick action, it's not only acceptable, but hilariously fun. But, really, don't we all know why we wanted to "hit" a guy in the jewels in the first place? A little honesty, gentlemen, please.

And finally, no man shall never nickname himself. If you do need to nickname a buddy, the following names are restricted:

Farrah Feelings, Cuddles, Francesca Frenchbraid, Prissytoes, Pippy Premenstrual, Ponyboy, Lee Pressons, Puppyeyes, Marlene Maxipad, Nipples-o-plenty, Sherry Showercap, Frita Fallopian, Sugarqueen, Margaret Goodetiquette, Pinchy Cheeks, Holly Haircurlers, Bunny Corsetzipper, Lashonda Tamponda, Fruitytootie, Fairy Sugartushy, Shannon Sparkles-Like-a-Star, Rainbowfeather, Sissy Glittermuff, McPrancertons, Flowerpanties, Jill Massengill, Stubby, Bellatrix Cervix: Dominatrix for Hire, Swishy McSashay, and Girly Von Curtsy!

No need to hide this now, so go to work and play with these rules with all your guy friends!