The Grocery List

I'm a dude, but somehow, it's quite entertaining to go shopping for food and crap!

the only rules are to never go grocery shopping when you're hungry, or just got paid: You'll never get out alive. Trust me. It's a deadly social trap. So, for today's blog, I shopped, and made notes! Exciting! I know!!

But, let me get this off of my chest right now. Parking.

Some of the worst drivers are trolling the parking lots of America's food stores. You see old bee hived women, or more to the point, a pair of knuckles on a huge steering wheel of a boat of a car, and I hear the theme from jaws as they moto about like an evil flying Dutchman of death. Oh, I have been hit by old people in these lots before, and I was walking. Fell over the back trunk of this Volvo, and the elderly gentleman had the nerve to give me the stink-eye! Like my plan was to stage dive his wax job! Parents say don't play in traffic: nay, don't walk about in shopping parking lots.

Shall I even go into those trucks, vans and hummers that park in those little "compact" labeled parking spaces? Some even park in two spots diagonally so you cant park next to them. Say, doesn't the market have raw eggs? Hmm...

On with the ritual of wrestling a plastic cart free from it's brethren! A quick scan of it's interior to make sure there are no used diapers, empty coffee cups, or a used corn dog stick inside, then onward through those amazing magical Star Trek self opening doors.

I'm told these door are to keep critters out. I don't see how. Anything over an ounce will open the doors. Maybe bees and deer ticks? I have seen stray dogs wandering markets before...

They got v8 juice and "healthy choice" v8 juice. Was there something unhealthy about the previous regular one? One rotten vegetable maybe. Or a finger from a bottling accident, who knows? Kind of makes you wanna go "healthy".

Lookie! Books for sale that promise to make you thin, tell your sex horoscope, gamble a winning shot machine or lotto, and a newspaper that says Bigfoot stole another wife. They sell a book of baby names for 10 bucks. Hey guess what you already got a huge one at home for free: the phone book.

Female hygiene. I think it's so unfair you ladies get a whole aisle to yourselves. guys have to share theirs with band aids, and motor oil. I view the huge selections of the douche, and i see lemon flavored, then i see vinegar Same flavors that go on fish. I'm just saying. I did see hand lotion in the "men's" section. I'm just saying.

It did however say on it, "best for skin".

And here's some odorless deodorant. Hey great, Ill smell like nothin', and it'll cost me 10 bucks. Wait, why do pregnancy tests come in multi packs? Don't people believe the first one, or is it the "ho" pack?

The cheese products are nasty. And screw the "cheese food", which isn't real cheese at all, but might be "real (tm)" cheese...which just confuses everyone who isn't lactose intolerant. You got the following: cheese nips, cheese logs, cheese balls, cheese puffs, cheese whizz. I like to get some of each then go home and put whizz on my nips, balls and log. This might be too much info. Carry on...

Pet aisle. They got 300 flavors of cat food but no...bird, squirrel, mouse head or stinky sock? I ate catfood once when I was tired and thought that the Tinder Viddels box was Cheerios's. Took just one milky taste to wake my ass up. Cats like this?! Thats what a dead sparrow tastes like?

Frozen foods. They got "new york brand" Texas toast. Well then, it ain't Texas toast, now is it? It's new york friken toast. And, why are all diet products triple chocolate fudge flavored? Shouldn't they be carrot or lettuce flavored. That's kinda like heroin flavored methadone.

I find it racist that we still have a section called "mexican food". So, I guess, if i see a mexican person I'm supposed to go up to them and say, "NO, NO Pedro. Your food is over there...". I did see an asian section with loads of noodles, so I think human rights are catching up. Someday, I have a dream of selections for Swedes and Canadians, with flaming meatballs and backbacon, smokes, and poutine (look it up, it's so gross that it makes blood sausage look edible).

Then again, black people complain that Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben don't represent them. But seriously, what do we have? The Quaker oats guy, Orville Riddenbacker and the brawny towel guy? A geek, a guy from outer space and a seventies porn star! And you see cool mags like Ebony, but no magazines called "Whitebread Dork" or "Cracker Slacker". I guess just that markets are against affirmative action.

I just passed by a woman with a loaf of wonder bread in her cart and some tins of Whisker Lickin's. I guess she's making catfood sandwiches tonight. And it reminds me I'm here to buy food.

They have spaghetti sauce that is labelled, "flavored with meat"... But what kind of meat? Snake meat? Rat meat? Human meat, like that finger found in the V8? One thing I do have to say: I tried Buffalo meat. Oh. My. God. That was so good! I just knew something as cute and cuddly and fuzzy, had to taste delicious!

"Little Debbie" snack cakes? I mean if she eats this stale sugary crap, she'd be really big fat toothless diabetic Debbie with pink eye and a few missing toes.

And I'm now standing in the market with a full basket of stuff I didn't need, and I totally forgot why I came here in the first place. Dammit...