Secrets of the Male Species

Seeing as that I don't have many guy friends and don't fully subscribe to the male-mind set of misogynistic buffoonery, I feel I might be the only outlet to the other half of the human race for the secrets of the male mind.

And seeing as i'm totally clueless about females of any type. I'm kinda hoping for an information exchange.

yeah. I'm a traitor to my gender. But, we're guys. We can get into a fight about something, totally forget about it when we see a nice looking girl, then forget what it was all about and go have a beer and talk sports, or boobs, or whatever.

1) the man-hug

It's a written rule from back in Roman times that a man to man hug last exactly 2 seconds or less...and no more. You are not allowed to swoon, cry, close eyes, or sigh. You place your hands, closed fingers, in the middle of the back and pat continuously (i.e. no rubbing!!!), and you don't place your chin on the others guys shoulder. You also do not stroke his hair.

2) "WOOOOOT!!!"

When humans are just babies, to get attention, they would cry. While women grow out of this, males evolve the screeching wail, into one word: "wooooooooooot!" This is usually answered with a pack mentality amongst nearby males, and accompanied with the pumping of a fist into the air. Don't believe me? Go to a MTV event at a beach and watch when a bikinied girl walks by. Watch a sports event of any type. Witness a drunken frat party. It's a species war cry that transends all other drives. I think it's the same urge that fuels dogs to occasionally eat their own poop.

3) Boxers or briefs?

Actually, it's three choices: Tighty Whities, boxer-briefs, and boxers.

Tighty Whities should only be worn by pre-teens, and that's it. End of story. If you date any guy, and you find out he's wearing white "panities", he needs to grow up. No guy looks good in tighty-whities. Even those male models you see in wal-mart and target ads look...odd, with their perfect hair and flashing smiles as two guys are wearing nothing but white Haynes and sharing a pillow fight. And if you notice, they're as smooth as a Ken doll. Somehing to think about.

Boxers. I just don't get those. It's like wearing an ass cape with a waistband. Whats even worse is the guys trying to look "street" by wearing low cut pants exposing some very rumpled boxers. Not a sexy sight, many women tell me. And wearing the voluminous boxers is like throwing a hot dog in a shoebox: no protection in any shape or form. Bits get crushed and are all a-sway in very unflattering ways.

Now the way to go for all guys are the Boxer-briefs: the hybrid of all the forms of pantinones! has the security of the thightys without being that tight, and the coverage of boxers without looking like you're wearing your dads underwear.

Oh, and never buy white in any form. Men can't maintain a whiteness in any cloth. The most we can manage is a dull yellow.

And whats with the 1000's of panties that women get to choose from in specialized stores? Unlimited designs and cuts! What we guys get is a 3-pack on sale at Target.

4) An ongoing list of words no man should use, ever.

Garment --- Periwinkle --- Magical --- Supple --- Duvet --- Precious --- Faaaabulous --- Adore --- Lavender --- Mommy or Daddy --- Scootch --- Weewee --- "teeheehee" ---

5) Urinal commandments

No excessive or undue conversation in the restroom. Keep eyes forward whenever possible, if you have to, go into a trance and stare at the tile in front of you, or admire the urinal cake intensely Always close the stall door, even when going #1. If you have an option, never use the urinal right next to a man who is already "underway". Never talk to another man while your junk is hanging out. Never discuss shape. Never say "ooooooh...impressive...".

I'll be leaking more information soon. Every pun intended.