And Tonight, Mr. Kite is Topping the Bill (part 2)

(this is part two, people. If you want to involve yourselves in my petty whining, and not have the super secret surprise ending that will shock and haunt you, read part one, "A Splendid Time...")

A sea of unblinking eyes in the darkness.

Every note feels over exaggerated and clumsy.

I'm counting the milliseconds till I have to open my mouth. Thinking that perhaps I could extend the eight bar intro, somehow, so I can mentally prepare more. I wish my friends were here now. My chair creaks like a steel girder about to buckle. Everything is a magnification of faults.

Right now, my soul is laid bare for the masses to tear asunder.

Music is rhythm. If I don't vocalize right now, I will stumble like a runner and not recover. the stones shift in my pocket and I think of Heather and Kim...

And I sing the first verse. I could hear the fear in my own voice, but i don't falter. I'm singing a song I sang fifteen years ago...the very first time I did this. It seemed a karmic choice.

First verse over, and now a four bar stanza. I take a moment to listen outwardly to the audience: Complete silence! Like the dead walked into a bar and sat down. I can hear random breathing and chair creaks. They were never this quiet when the other played. I am so bombing out.

Second verse. Okay. So be it. If I'm going to fail here, it's going to mean something. I let the audience melt away, and I fall into my own world. I'm doing this for me, it's only natural I really just do this for myself and at least enjoy the moment. Now I do the chorus, and it's for me. It's for the people who care for me now and in the past.

I take a moment to open back up to the world and watch the audience for a second. Screw them if they don't like this...Then I get a relevation! I finally clear my head of the fear and see it in their faces. I make eye contact and I make that unique connection to everyone out there. And there it is...whats happening here...

They aren't quiet because they hate me: They're listening. Intently listening. I took them in! They've understood that I'm just not doing a song just because I like the chords, or it's cool on the radio, or even that it's an easy song to play live. They are listening to my story. I've become vulnerable to them, and they welcomed me with open hearts. Becoming vulnerable in kind.

Well, crap! I wrap up the song in a nice bow! They deserve that. I hear the stones shift in my bag as I let the final chord ring out. Then...spontaneous heartfelt applause. Not the caned reaction when someone does a good job. A virtual pat on the back and a "nice try" emote. This is real. They are giving back. Oh Jesus, this feels like the best day of my life.

the owner of the place, or maybe he just puts these things together, shakes my hand as I leave the "stage". Turns out he was part of the husband/wife keyboard bass group earlier, and he does MC these things. He thought it was brilliant! And once again, I just don't know what to say but "thanks". As I start to clean off my reading glasses from the flop sweat, he asks me the casual question if I know some of the songs he's now mentioning. I do say I know a few of them. I'm actually quite well versed in many eras of music from the 60's through the 80's thanks to my sister, Diane. She was the perfect musical hippy sister. Devo, the Knack, Plimsoles, Pink Floyd, Cheep trick, even Frampton comes alive, all due to her being on the bandwagon at the start.

he says he might call me up, if that's okay for their traditional lil' jam session the close out the night with. How odd, I think. Hours before, I almost would do anything to avoid this place and night. Now, I'm actually anticipating with great verve, once again being on stage with others and making music!

They call me up to applause, and I feel 24 and back in California again! I remember one of my first live gigs I did with Mark and Len. I was scared then too, but the party loved us, and gave us tons o' beer after each song! That's a social badge of honor. And I got a wee bit drunk I think, Because I was told later that when I played the end to the Alarms song "Strength" I did a blistering long ass lead finally. Even did it one handed with hammer-ons and pull offs. I don't do blistering. I had to be inebriated!

And now it's Saturday night in Portland over a decade later. And once more, I step onto the stage and plug in with a full band. The feeling I had back then in California, I'm actually feeling now. There is no fear, only elation. And as I synergy of the group, I don't want this night to end.

Wish my friends were here, cuz I feel blistering.