A Food Servers Dirty Lil' Secret

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. You may think i'm full of it, but, you'll know I'm speaking the truth...If you just observe.

This is a little dirty trick food servers do at restaurants.

You go out to eat, order your meal and it comes. You start to masticate. And, just when you have a mouthful of food, in sweeps the waitress to ask, "How is everything?"

What can you do? All you can do is keep your mouth close, nod your head and grunt what you hope comes out as a jovial yes! You tell me THAT has never happened to you!! The food may be crap, but you cant say anything! All to save your open mouth embarrassment!

So what does this accomplish then? Well, the server is almost guaranteed a tip. After all, she did come by the table and ask you if everything was okay. And, she didn't have to do anything for it extra! You couldn't say the food was off and you wanted it taken back, you couldn't say that the meat was dry. You couldn't say that you need steak sauce or that your missing your bisket. And she didn't have to come back to do your bidding, until she brings you the check!

Where was she when you needed a waitress to get you another coke or a clean fork?

Try this next time: fake chewing. Look for your waitress lurking nearby. And they do lurk. Not near enough so they can claim they didn't see you, but close enough to see you chewing but NOT swallowing. If you swallow, the games over and the waitress will have to attend to you.

So fake the chewing a huge load of foodstuff...And like a magical song from a Disney movie, in comes the waitress to ask you if "everything okay?". Go ahead. I'll wait.

So now that you know this is not an urban myth, what can you do? Lucky you. I'll tell you...

Make index cards made up that say the following:

- come back in 47 seconds if you wish to really know.
- I think I taste an old toenail.
- Please! Sit down, join us, and await my amazing and informative answer!
- I've been chewing this cud for what seems like days, and it aint goin' down! Help!
- Tell me all about the dessert menu...In interpretive dance
- pull up a plate of this slop, have a big bite and then I'll ask how's everything with you?

Then just show the cards as needed.

Other things to do: Place a stack of dollars on the table near the edge. Take one away every 5 minutes in a showy flair. When the waitress asks you when you're mouth is full, take one away every 10 seconds of chewing.

Simply spit all your pre-chewed food into an empty glass and talk normally. Also ask for another glass.

Take your plate with you and follow your waitress around while you eat.

Get up from your table, follow the waitress from table to table and ask, "okay, how do you REALLY feel?", after her lil' trick.

Just don't do any of this before you get all of your food. You don't want to know what the serving staff can do to your meal if you piss them off.

Things that annoy me for March...NASCAR edition.

It's that time again: Things that annoyed me for March...

1) March: Nuff' said! Whatta wussy wuss puss of a month. A month that leads to...

2) NASCAR: The owners of the nascar frenchise so desparately want to make some mechandise money off of this. Now they're tring to get the women involved...you may think i'm making this up, but I saw at the market a NASCAR harliquin romance novel series. Time for that pit stop and a tire rotation, ladies!

Next target, males 17 - 65. Hmm... Lets see. Cars. Budwiser. Beer guts and lack of activity. Next?

Kids! Pez dispensers. Childs wear. Action figures of dreamy Jeff Gordon. I remember a saturday morning cartoon "NASCAR racers!", to hook the kids to the exciting sport. And If we all know kids, they love, just love, to sit still and watch cars circle a track 500 times. I remember seeing Spider-man 2 in the theaters, and durring the incredible subway fight with Doc Ock, a child was squirming to get away and started crying. The poor parent had to take the child outside and miss the $9.00 movie. Which brings me to...

3) Theater Babies: going to the movies with hundreds of other people? Leave the baby at home!!! You don't want to hear me talking or a cell phone ring? I don't want to hear you're screaming sugar fueled brat. I think they should not only have that "Please silence your cell phones" slide on the screen, but a "Please tape your damn kids mouth shut" as well.

But back on NASCAR for a bit. I watched it at work because it was the only thing on. And I actually laughed out loud when the anchors said durring a brake in the action, "While we have a moment, we'd like to wish Bob Smith a happy birthday and...oh wait...I apologize. We'd like to send our condolenses to his family. And our sponser, BUDWISER! the King of Beers!"

So touching. I wonder if the Beer King will send his birthday/funeral wishes from his royal court as well?

4) Guys that high five each other: unless they totally miss, then thats funny. What is it with some good ol' boys hooting like a couple of idiots at a bikini clad girl, then they turn to give each other a high five. Whats that?! That doesn't look cool. Even if the "hooting" turned a woman on instantly for some bizarre reason, that overhead hand slap will spoil the deal.

...man i'm exhausted...thats annoying too...