So, It's Your Birthday Lets Get Humiliated!

Once a year, people think that there is a time for you to be humiliated and embarrassed. And because it's this "certain" time, you have to be a "good sport" about it. Any other day, it's acceptable to rebuke the way your treated.

But, not on your Birthday.

There are some benefits though. 25% off goodwill. You need to get a new photo on your expired Drivers License. And, if you know how to play your cards right, free birthday food and cake at restaurants.

I had a free gourmet burger at Red Robin coupon. Since that place is hideously expensive, and they have bottomless steak fries, I'll take them up on the offer. All I have to do is navigate the birthday mindfield. I know what food joints do. I need to be extra careful today.

So, I was talked into going the day before my birthday for lunch, some people I know went with me (my first misstep). When I got back from the bathroom, I see a small huddle of the server with the others at the table. When I get there, trying to be sneaky as to overhear what I know is going on, I can almost cut the awkwardness with a knife. My Spider-sense is tingling. The server stammers, "so...Um..I'll get that...Um...Drink for you...", and he scampers off. Nice acting, the daytime emmy is going to someone else this year, me thinks.

Now I'm in full paranoid mode. I see every movement from my peripheral vision. I flinch when a bunch of servers get together. I take small bites as to not have them all spring out when I have a big mouthful. I can hear "Charley" in the bushes.

I try to ignore the inevitable, but I know what going to happen when I finish my lunch. It's as inevitable as the green mile walk to the executioner. Waiting for a dentist. I take advantage of my bottomless steak fries and get 3 more baskets. But, I can only eat so much before I must fall to my predators.

And I see balloons coming closer...

These guys aren't too stealthy. The main server wraps the strings of a balloon around my head. Wraps! Oh, but for the quiet dignity of an actual balloon hat. Since making a hat by tying together balloons is too much of an effort. I now need to balance two balloons with my ears. I am so happy with this, so far. Where's my damn ice cream.

"ladies and gentlemen!", my server cries out to the near empty room. "Michael here is celebrating his 21st birthday today!" I was told my expression was priceless on hearing this. Later, I found out that I arrived at the table before anyone could tell Mr. Red robin how old I really was. I guess that is flattering. But saying I'm "celebrating" at this place is taking huge liberties.

Then the rest of the serving mob comes, and the main server speaks, "Okay. Happy Birthday on three..."

What?! You need to tell them this is a birthday, and the proper song needs to be synchronized? The balloons wasn't clue enough? Do they have a huge song list they refer to? Was someone going to mistakenly sing the "We hope you pass your stone" song instead? Please, lord, please let them at least "sing" happy birthday, and not that damn "clapping song"

What's wrong with actually singing the "happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Michael, happy birthday to you!". I wont sue them for digital theft.

They start the clapping song. My mind just tunes out at this point. I guess the falsetto parts of the original happy birthday song is a little stressing to these rythmless minimum wage workers.

"Happy happy happy! Happy day to you..." I see Ren and Stimpy dancing in the background of my subconsious. Clap clap clap clap. "Happy birthday...TO YOU!!!" Then they all peel away, as if someone farted, to get back to busing a table and muttering "hrm...happibrrthduh..." as they dont even make eye contact. That final greeting was as energetic as if I just asked "so, who wants to clean the cat box?"

By this time, my pathetic ice cream was half melted. Somehow, I don't think that was worth the price of free.

But, at least through this humilation crubicle, I know I look like I'm still 21! happy happy happy! Happy day to me! I am now a real man once again, thanks to the magical elders of the Red Robin village!

Clap clap clap clap...

The Funniest Thing I Ever Saw at Disneyland

I love Disneyland. It's my perfect happy place. I used to go there almost everyday, with one of those passports, when "passport" ment something. When there were ticket books and the passport people were special.

I'd go there to eat lunch, draw people, or just look around and unwind. I'd know when something changed on a attraction, when there was fresh paint, and when to avoid the churros just my smelling them from afar. I would feel the surroundings and forget my day...

And this is where I saw the funniest thing I ever saw.

One day, I was tooling about Disneyland and happened upon a small birthday part in Fantasyland. These are nice affairs with human sized costumed characters dancing about and giving out hugs. Now, there is a official commandment from Walt himself: NO actor (employee) shall never be see in public without the full costume.

Ever. On pain of death, I believe. Costumes ripped or missing a glove, you don't leave the cast area. Period. There are secret Disney police for this that hop out of the shadows, inject you with pixie dust, and "re-condition" you in case this ever happens.

Anyway, this was a Winnie the Pooh party for some 2-3 year olds. And everyone was having a good time. There was Eeyore, Tigger, and Pooh dancing about in a small circle, tra-la-la...

Then, all my hopes and dreams of a unfortunate circumstance happened, and I was there to bare witness to the spectacle. Cuz, y'see, like I said before: If somehing terrible happends to you, that's tragedy. When it happens to someone else, that's comedy.

Tragi-comedy exploded when on a dancing turn, Eeyore slipped on some random cake slice with those big metal shod, stupid feet. He when down like a shot duck! And then the wonderful happened...

His head flew off.

Instantly, all hell broke lose! Pooh and Tigger, like trained swat, dogpiled on Eeyore to cover his head. Pin him down but good and covered the exposed humans head with there furry bodies. They then quickly and without being gentle, dragged human-head Eeyore to the now opening backdrop and away from the public. Those Disney goons respond fast!

After a breath of a pause, the ear splitting screaming and crying of 12 children start up, and I bust out laughing, wishing I to God had a camera.

Do you know what those children saw?! A dancing mule, bear, and tiger, all of a sudden pouncing on the mule, violently, a head flying away, and the bear and tiger dragging their be-headed prey back into the lair to finish the job. Those kids just witnessed the food chain...live!

Happy birthday, Youngsters! See Pooh maul a donkey! You cant get better entertainment than this, unless you're in the wild! Those poor kids will be in therapy for life.

"Mommy! Mommy!! Why did Tigger kill Eeyore! *sob*" "Did they eat Eeyore?!" "Is Pooh bad?"

As the frazzled moms and attendants tried to calm the children down with a sing-a-long, out came a maintenance worker. He walked over to the bushes, fished out the now dead-eyed head of a gray mule, and walked backstage with it.

And the crying began anew. Ah, the Circle of Life! Live...At Disneyland!

As my birthday comes up, it tickles me to think of this day. Maybe I'll go to a Chucky Cheese, and see what happens.

Like I said, Disneyland forged the best memories from me. Even working at Disney Animation, the perk was the park pass.

When I die, I hope to have my ashes spread about the park. I know they wouldn't take to kindly on that, and the street sweepers are diligent, so I came up with a plan. Place my ashes inside a crutch. Pop that rubber stopper on that puppy. Pretend to have a foot injury and walk into the park. Unstop the crutch and sprinkle to taste!

Maybe a anamorphic animal will slip on me, and behead himself in a parade route. That would be awesome.

Happy Birthday to me!

Time Flies When Things Suck

I apologize for not writing anything for quite a few days.

So much has happened, and I don't like bogging people down with my poop.

He's the "previously on..." Teaser:

Car resolution. Broken tooth. Root canal. Bone contusions. Ripped ligaments. Shock therapy (no no...a tens unit to help my torn tissue). Cats sick. Better Business Bureau. Doctors, doctors, doctors. Enough pain killers that'll make Keith Richards swoon. Garlic Jims Pizza. Amoxicillin. Taking over the Legendaries (just temp!). Hypertension. Isn't lupus a rabbit? Upcoming birthday.

Speaking of birthdays, i'm finally starting to feel old.

I've felt like I'm 16 all my life. I revel in the fact that I think this way. But yesterday, my resolve was shattered...

An old old man came in my line when I was covering the brake of the cashier. He paid with cash and took the change out of this little plastic purse with a slit on top. I And oh my god...I automatically thought...

"say... That's a great idea! I can use one of th..."

Before I could finish the thought, my mind almost seized on me as punishment.

I'm surprised I wasn't also jealous of his wide white belt and long shorts, gardered black socks, net golf cap, and chain for his "bifocals".

Didn't help my bones and teeth hurt. Oy vey. Who are you? Where's my soup?

Mmmm...soup....

by the way, why do people carry buttons in those change thingys?

Good news? My glucose level is excellent and normal with diet alone.
Bad News? My bloodpressure is like a frightened birds.

Could be worse, I guess. Gas could go over three dollars a gal...

aw crap...

A Food Servers Dirty Lil' Secret

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. You may think i'm full of it, but, you'll know I'm speaking the truth...If you just observe.

This is a little dirty trick food servers do at restaurants.

You go out to eat, order your meal and it comes. You start to masticate. And, just when you have a mouthful of food, in sweeps the waitress to ask, "How is everything?"

What can you do? All you can do is keep your mouth close, nod your head and grunt what you hope comes out as a jovial yes! You tell me THAT has never happened to you!! The food may be crap, but you cant say anything! All to save your open mouth embarrassment!

So what does this accomplish then? Well, the server is almost guaranteed a tip. After all, she did come by the table and ask you if everything was okay. And, she didn't have to do anything for it extra! You couldn't say the food was off and you wanted it taken back, you couldn't say that the meat was dry. You couldn't say that you need steak sauce or that your missing your bisket. And she didn't have to come back to do your bidding, until she brings you the check!

Where was she when you needed a waitress to get you another coke or a clean fork?

Try this next time: fake chewing. Look for your waitress lurking nearby. And they do lurk. Not near enough so they can claim they didn't see you, but close enough to see you chewing but NOT swallowing. If you swallow, the games over and the waitress will have to attend to you.

So fake the chewing a huge load of foodstuff...And like a magical song from a Disney movie, in comes the waitress to ask you if "everything okay?". Go ahead. I'll wait.

So now that you know this is not an urban myth, what can you do? Lucky you. I'll tell you...

Make index cards made up that say the following:

- come back in 47 seconds if you wish to really know.
- I think I taste an old toenail.
- Please! Sit down, join us, and await my amazing and informative answer!
- I've been chewing this cud for what seems like days, and it aint goin' down! Help!
- Tell me all about the dessert menu...In interpretive dance
- pull up a plate of this slop, have a big bite and then I'll ask how's everything with you?

Then just show the cards as needed.

Other things to do: Place a stack of dollars on the table near the edge. Take one away every 5 minutes in a showy flair. When the waitress asks you when you're mouth is full, take one away every 10 seconds of chewing.

Simply spit all your pre-chewed food into an empty glass and talk normally. Also ask for another glass.

Take your plate with you and follow your waitress around while you eat.

Get up from your table, follow the waitress from table to table and ask, "okay, how do you REALLY feel?", after her lil' trick.

Just don't do any of this before you get all of your food. You don't want to know what the serving staff can do to your meal if you piss them off.

Things that annoy me for March...NASCAR edition.

It's that time again: Things that annoyed me for March...

1) March: Nuff' said! Whatta wussy wuss puss of a month. A month that leads to...

2) NASCAR: The owners of the nascar frenchise so desparately want to make some mechandise money off of this. Now they're tring to get the women involved...you may think i'm making this up, but I saw at the market a NASCAR harliquin romance novel series. Time for that pit stop and a tire rotation, ladies!

Next target, males 17 - 65. Hmm... Lets see. Cars. Budwiser. Beer guts and lack of activity. Next?

Kids! Pez dispensers. Childs wear. Action figures of dreamy Jeff Gordon. I remember a saturday morning cartoon "NASCAR racers!", to hook the kids to the exciting sport. And If we all know kids, they love, just love, to sit still and watch cars circle a track 500 times. I remember seeing Spider-man 2 in the theaters, and durring the incredible subway fight with Doc Ock, a child was squirming to get away and started crying. The poor parent had to take the child outside and miss the $9.00 movie. Which brings me to...

3) Theater Babies: going to the movies with hundreds of other people? Leave the baby at home!!! You don't want to hear me talking or a cell phone ring? I don't want to hear you're screaming sugar fueled brat. I think they should not only have that "Please silence your cell phones" slide on the screen, but a "Please tape your damn kids mouth shut" as well.

But back on NASCAR for a bit. I watched it at work because it was the only thing on. And I actually laughed out loud when the anchors said durring a brake in the action, "While we have a moment, we'd like to wish Bob Smith a happy birthday and...oh wait...I apologize. We'd like to send our condolenses to his family. And our sponser, BUDWISER! the King of Beers!"

So touching. I wonder if the Beer King will send his birthday/funeral wishes from his royal court as well?

4) Guys that high five each other: unless they totally miss, then thats funny. What is it with some good ol' boys hooting like a couple of idiots at a bikini clad girl, then they turn to give each other a high five. Whats that?! That doesn't look cool. Even if the "hooting" turned a woman on instantly for some bizarre reason, that overhead hand slap will spoil the deal.

...man i'm exhausted...thats annoying too...