A Food Servers Dirty Lil' Secret

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. You may think i'm full of it, but, you'll know I'm speaking the truth...If you just observe.

This is a little dirty trick food servers do at restaurants.

You go out to eat, order your meal and it comes. You start to masticate. And, just when you have a mouthful of food, in sweeps the waitress to ask, "How is everything?"

What can you do? All you can do is keep your mouth close, nod your head and grunt what you hope comes out as a jovial yes! You tell me THAT has never happened to you!! The food may be crap, but you cant say anything! All to save your open mouth embarrassment!

So what does this accomplish then? Well, the server is almost guaranteed a tip. After all, she did come by the table and ask you if everything was okay. And, she didn't have to do anything for it extra! You couldn't say the food was off and you wanted it taken back, you couldn't say that the meat was dry. You couldn't say that you need steak sauce or that your missing your bisket. And she didn't have to come back to do your bidding, until she brings you the check!

Where was she when you needed a waitress to get you another coke or a clean fork?

Try this next time: fake chewing. Look for your waitress lurking nearby. And they do lurk. Not near enough so they can claim they didn't see you, but close enough to see you chewing but NOT swallowing. If you swallow, the games over and the waitress will have to attend to you.

So fake the chewing a huge load of foodstuff...And like a magical song from a Disney movie, in comes the waitress to ask you if "everything okay?". Go ahead. I'll wait.

So now that you know this is not an urban myth, what can you do? Lucky you. I'll tell you...

Make index cards made up that say the following:

- come back in 47 seconds if you wish to really know.
- I think I taste an old toenail.
- Please! Sit down, join us, and await my amazing and informative answer!
- I've been chewing this cud for what seems like days, and it aint goin' down! Help!
- Tell me all about the dessert menu...In interpretive dance
- pull up a plate of this slop, have a big bite and then I'll ask how's everything with you?

Then just show the cards as needed.

Other things to do: Place a stack of dollars on the table near the edge. Take one away every 5 minutes in a showy flair. When the waitress asks you when you're mouth is full, take one away every 10 seconds of chewing.

Simply spit all your pre-chewed food into an empty glass and talk normally. Also ask for another glass.

Take your plate with you and follow your waitress around while you eat.

Get up from your table, follow the waitress from table to table and ask, "okay, how do you REALLY feel?", after her lil' trick.

Just don't do any of this before you get all of your food. You don't want to know what the serving staff can do to your meal if you piss them off.

Things that annoy me for March...NASCAR edition.

It's that time again: Things that annoyed me for March...

1) March: Nuff' said! Whatta wussy wuss puss of a month. A month that leads to...

2) NASCAR: The owners of the nascar frenchise so desparately want to make some mechandise money off of this. Now they're tring to get the women involved...you may think i'm making this up, but I saw at the market a NASCAR harliquin romance novel series. Time for that pit stop and a tire rotation, ladies!

Next target, males 17 - 65. Hmm... Lets see. Cars. Budwiser. Beer guts and lack of activity. Next?

Kids! Pez dispensers. Childs wear. Action figures of dreamy Jeff Gordon. I remember a saturday morning cartoon "NASCAR racers!", to hook the kids to the exciting sport. And If we all know kids, they love, just love, to sit still and watch cars circle a track 500 times. I remember seeing Spider-man 2 in the theaters, and durring the incredible subway fight with Doc Ock, a child was squirming to get away and started crying. The poor parent had to take the child outside and miss the $9.00 movie. Which brings me to...

3) Theater Babies: going to the movies with hundreds of other people? Leave the baby at home!!! You don't want to hear me talking or a cell phone ring? I don't want to hear you're screaming sugar fueled brat. I think they should not only have that "Please silence your cell phones" slide on the screen, but a "Please tape your damn kids mouth shut" as well.

But back on NASCAR for a bit. I watched it at work because it was the only thing on. And I actually laughed out loud when the anchors said durring a brake in the action, "While we have a moment, we'd like to wish Bob Smith a happy birthday and...oh wait...I apologize. We'd like to send our condolenses to his family. And our sponser, BUDWISER! the King of Beers!"

So touching. I wonder if the Beer King will send his birthday/funeral wishes from his royal court as well?

4) Guys that high five each other: unless they totally miss, then thats funny. What is it with some good ol' boys hooting like a couple of idiots at a bikini clad girl, then they turn to give each other a high five. Whats that?! That doesn't look cool. Even if the "hooting" turned a woman on instantly for some bizarre reason, that overhead hand slap will spoil the deal.

...man i'm exhausted...thats annoying too...

The Kessel Run in 2 Weeks

Lando Calrissian walks towards the Millenium Falcon, to commence the final assault to the Death Star. He tells Han Solo he'll take good care of her.

"Not a scratch!" Chides Han, obviously worried about his pride and joy.

"Would you get going, ya pirate!", Laughs Lando as he walks towards the starship. Leia, seeing the look on Han's face...

"what's wrong?", She asks.

"I dunno.", Han says looking at the Falcon one last time, "But why do I have that feeling like I'm never gonna see her again?"

Today, Leifs Auto Collision towed away my lil' blue Geo Metro. And I remembered that scene from Return of the Jedi, as I saw the ol' gal carted away on a flatbed, out of the parking lot.

I know, I know. I'm over worrying, but I can't help that feeling. When will it be back? In what condition? Will a mechanic steal all my pennies in the ashtray? I miss the blue thing already.

Even when the auto repair place got me a 2005 mustang as a loaner. And mind you, that is a sweet ass car! Power everything, CD player, and I took it over 85 mph just to see what it can do (It can do much more.). But I truly want my Geo back. Is that bizarre or what?

And Jeez, The insurance company, who is supposed to do all this, is dragging their feet so much, they probably only have stubs above the ankles! They told me I had to find a place to get an estimate, and Leifs told me in the state of Washington, the insurance company is supposed to do all that! It took 2 Weeks to get the offending driver to actually report the accident! And when I needed a loaner car, the insurance people said that I had to pay it all, and maybe they'd reimburse me later when their "investigation" is over. Whatta load of steamy crap! And I told them so.

Once again Leif Auto sprung for the rental and will be charging that insurance. Something else they are supposed to do. The guy at Leifs, his job is to help with these kind of problems, says these companies do that all the time. They take advantage of people like me and try to get off easy. Just like the Imperial juggernaut in Star Wars!!! Gasp!!!

The trucking company who hit me said they were so late with the report because of a death in the family. Well, I understand and sympathize, but there was almost a death in MY family when I was vaulted across a busy intersection! Then the driver didn't "have time" to report to matter. Meanwhile, I sleep maybe 6 hours all week because no one else had the time to do anything. Oh, they had time to try to bribe me with a small petty cash payoff. And they had time to avoid my calls (depleting my phone minutes twice) asking for their insurance...

So, I'm thinking lawyer. Much like the Jedi Council, just more money grubbing, no morals, and bad floral print ties. Okay, maybe not like the Jedi... More like Jabba the Hutt, or that spindly little cackling green thing on his lap. But thats what I need obviously to tread these murky waters.

And with my luck, that stupid insurance company will probably say they wont pay the $2500 to fix my car to pre-collision status. Well, too bad, they have to as it was all their policy holders fault. You're not junking my car. I want my Geo Metro back! (although we can talk 2005 mustang...) Come to think of it, that huge black dump truck did look like an engine of oppression the Empire would use. I was blindsided by my own Death Star dump truck! I'm a wreck right now, and when the car is taken car of and I have her back, I can start worrying about my own injuries.

March went in like a lion, and left like a lamb... Being eaten by a lion.

The Broken Shoelace

I think I've come up with a way to raise the morale of all salespeople in the workplace!

You see, working in that industry, you constantly are "helping" customers that think you're there for their amusement, and abuse. They can call you a liar, but if you defend yourself, you ought to be fired! I remember customers being complete bastards to an innocent worker, just because he's there, and he can't fight back, lest he gets in trouble. And the customer will tear the poor guy, or gal, a new one, then say they need compensation for all the anguish. After all, "the customer is always right", right?

Crap. The Customer used to be fooled they were right because the customer had the money. In the fifties, there was customer loyalties and no one gernerally took advantage of a store. Nowadays? I always see the same "righteous" customers trying anything to steal a deal. From quoting obviously erroneous labels (meat that is $.01 a pound than $1.00, an obvious human error), or just being jerks to get their way (let me speak to your manager! I want some kind of discount for MY time and gas wasted!)

And there is no customer loyalty. If a place sold the same item cheaper, no matter how much they might hate the store, they'll buy that there. This explains the power of the darkside that is Wal-mart.

I remember one time a customer wanted me to fire an employee because they wouldn't help her as they wanted to be helped. So I told her I would, right now, take care of it and THIS was the last straw!!! I took the employee to the back with the customer hanging around, a cheesy smile on her face, and the show began...

Employee: (slightly scared) ...am I in trouble?
Me: (lowering voice) Naaah... She wants me to fire you for you not doing what you're not paid to do. So, we're gonna put on a play for her, to get her the hell outta here. I'll start raising my voice then you can go on a brake. Get some Burgerville and relax. She's totally a bitch!

My employee starts to smile and wipe a tear, then I go through the angry manager routine. The door flies open and she exits in front of the crossed armed customer feigning a sob, as I say to get her things and "go home". I tell the customer I hope she's satisfied, and she says she is...

Whatta bitch! Just because her day has gone bad, she needs to vent on someone else that can't fight back. She's willing to make a stranger lose their way of livelihood, just for some sense of satisfaction! And you wonder why job turnover is so high!

The employee became that terrible customers broken shoelace.

Whats that? Lets say that you're a person that has a really bad day. The dog ate your wallet. You're out of waffles after you've had your heart set for that. Someone cuts you off on the freeway. Your boss blames you for something...

Then while tying your shoe, the shoelace brakes. THAT shoelace has become everything that has gone wrong that day and is so against you! That evil evil blacken bloodless shoelace! The shoe is out to get you, and this...is..the...last...straw!!! You toss your shoe with all your might and a mighty yell out your window, shattering the glass. Damn you, shoelace! You broke my window too!!!!! AAARRGGHHH!!!

And the same with that poor employee. They've become the unrelated focus of total human anger and frustration in society. And, it's always the poor employees. They can't defend themselves... How do you raise the morale and curb the attacks in the workplace when this is so rampant?

Here's the deal: All employees of retail establishments, store that directly cater to the public, accrue "release" days, much like you accrue sick and vacation days. Whats a "release" day? A government mandated free pass. You can bitch righ back to a customer, even have them forcibly escorted off the premises! Free and clear of any issues.

Of course you cant do anything against the law, but you can speak your mind and perhaps, customers knowing you might have quite a few of these days saved up, will treat you with some human respect.

Customer: What are you, stupid?
Employee: Well, you're a case of the clap! That's just rude to call me that! you can leave the store right now...
Customer: well! I never! Where's your manager!
Employee: What? Your pants are caught on a nail? Get him yourself! I have much more pleasant and respectful customers that can use my help.
Manager: What can I help you with Ms.
Customer: I am very upset. That cashier...
Employee: Using my "day"
Manager: ...Oh. I see...
Employee: I asked her to leave already...
Customer: Anyway, before I was rudely interrupted, this idiot...
Manager: Ma'am, I believe you were asked to leave. Do I have to call mall security?

Will this lose customers? Y'bet ya it will! The bad ones! If all you got were the good customers in your daily dealings, work will be enjoyable. You'll be happy to be there and help people. The good customers will be loyal customers, and they'll tell friends. And the moral in the entire world will be raised.

And the blue collar working class just trying to make a buck, will no longer be the bullied broken shoelace... 'Tis a dream I have...

Casting the First Stone

I was driving to a doctors appointment, when I noticed on the median, a man with a sign saying he's a vet and asking for money. I do have a soft spot for the homeless, and for vets. I remember once a man coming up to me and asking for some money to keep his family in a hotel for a night. I gave him the money I had, leaving me none for the rest of the week.

I didn't see a family, and I doubt he was really gonna rent a room for them. If I were to house my family by begging random people for change, I'd have them nearby to gesture to as incentive. I'd even have the lil' ones shed a tear and say, "thankew mister..." Just like Cindy Brady. But, I actually felt good about what I did.

And, for the grace of God, I could be me someday... If it bought him a few hours of peace, I felt good about that. And I secretly hoped his family existed.

But, here I am seeing a man on the road with this sign.

Wasn't there a time when there was a more salesmanship nature to these signs? I seems to recall people selling oranges. Or working for food. Or Even wiping your car window. If it were my window he was wiping, that's a hell of a job! I'd spring for a happy meal for him and a pack of Wrigglies.

Then some thought s when through my mind as I was at the offramp. Where do these transients find the great marker and nicely cut cardboard for these signs?! When I need a sharpie, I'll search for hours and all I can find are dried up ones. Even at work, and I work at an Office supply store, I'm hard pressed to find a working marker. But these signs are written in beautiful cursive clear to read fonts! And they always have a nicely cut and clean piece of corrugated cardboard too. Ever try ripping off a perfect square of cardboard? You'll get the shape of Nevada everytime, a cubeish shape with a corner missing. Markers of that quality are very hard to come by...

And the clothes. They never seem very old at all. The Jeans this one guy was wearing was better than mine, and he had a cooler jacket and scarf than I. And, you never see two beggars fighting over a sweet panhandling spot, like the stop on a freeway. I wonder if there is a secret heirachy.

But, I've given this some thought, and I think I've come up with an answer to most of theses issues. Giving money to the homeless and carving a nice nitch for them in society.

Ever see someone in a taco costume or holding a sign for a new real estate place on a street corner, waving? Wouldn't it be better if you hired the homeless to do this job? They're already on the street, they know all the sweet spots, and the taco costume will make them warm! I don't know about you, but I'd be more open about giving money to a waving smiling man than someone depressed, squatting on a median. Not only would they make some money just for being where they are, but tips, and tacos too.

They would have a sign with "Taco Time! Open Now! (tips are appreciated, thx!)". They would probably make more money an hour than I.

People just have to treat one another with some thought, that's all...