'Kay, there's his guy at my work that thinks everything he says or does is funny. Most annoying thing is the "funny voices" he thinks he masters. All it makes me do is get a mild migraine and cause me to attempt to pinch my eyes together.
Anyway, someone somewhere happens to say, "hey, hey hey". And it's like a Pavlov's dog trigger. Out comes this horrendous Fat Albert imitation.
A gravelly horse voice says, "hey, hey, hey! Fat Albert is here to save the day!"
And like magic, I burst a blood vessel.
Lets leave alone the fact that that was the worst imitation of any cartoon character from the 70's ever attempted. I just wondering how a 400 pound morbidly obese 14 year old is going to save the day. I can probably speculate one thing he never saves: leftovers. And I would also suggest a throat doctor. No one the south side of puberty should have a voice like a chronic smoking grandma.
Hang on, I'm getting off topic. What I really waned to talk about was my weight loss.
Whatta pain in the ass. It's almost easier, and so much cheaper, to be fat!
Painting a picture. Ever since high school, I was overweight. I could eat a whole large pizza and a half and still eat more. I think I topped at 245. My total record was 265 pounds...and that was two years ago. I used to have to have pants cuffed, because they didn't have size 42 pants with a 30 inseam. Used to have to shop in the "huskies" section of Sears. (At least Sears was kind enough to perpetuate my comfort level of my dimensions my making the chubby clothes have such a rugged name!)
As of today, I'm 175 pounds and 18% body fat.
Honestly, how did THAT happen?!
Fad diets? Special foods? Exercise vids? weight loss pills? Nope, none of those.
I went to a gym, ate only when I was hungry, and had diabetes. Thats is it. I lost 60 pounds, lowered my blood pressure, and almost eliminated my diabetes in three months eating corndogs and diet coke. I ate ice cream, pizza, you name it. And I am now at my target weight.
And it sucks!
Do you know how much it cost more to eat healthy? Buying smaller portions of food instead of bulk rate? I had to buy new pants every two weeks, and now I have to by smaller form fitting shirts. I'm also cold more often that I used to be. I feel like a shivering chiwawa when theres a breeze. Being healthy is costing me a fortune.
And it takes forever to shop for food. I now read all the labels. Sodium content. Sugar content. And theres good AND bad cholesterol. I'm in the middle of a cholesterol war and I don't even know how it started! Can't we all just shake hands and slowly clot my arteries as friends?
Right now I'm looking at a drawer of oversize clothes I can't wear anymore, unless I want to follow my dream of being a white gangsta rapper. All I can save are the socks, and thats not fair. I think if the government wants America to not be an overweight nation, they should at least buy you new clothes when you reach your target weight. I shouldn't have to borrow a shirt from a girl if i want to go out and not look like I spontaneously deflated.
Maybe I'll go out right now and get a pie. Either that or drill a new hole on my belt to keep my pants up.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Saturday, January 05, 2008
The Things We've Left Behind
Well, it's a new year, I haven't written anything in a while, and it's once again time to remunerate, reflect, and actually see whats been going on in the new year...and the fall out of last.
I guess the biggest thing to start out with is that right now...i'm actually happy. And no, not selfish happy, smug happy, had a good poop happy, or artificial happy. I'm genuinly in a place that I never thought i'd be in right now, and it's pure.
Am I rich? no. But I've made a huge leap into seeing whats really important to me. Am I successful? No. But I can see a pathway I'd like to explore. Am I in love? That's an easy one: Yeah. And this time, I can see what was all the downfalls from before, and it seems so simple right now.
I had a wonderful Christmas and I spent it with my best friends. I had quite a time getting presents to all of them, since my previous work sent my checks to the wrong house and refused to fix it until the new year. But I loved the spirit of giving, and braved to angry shoppers to get what I thought, was perfect gifts for all of them. Even though they themselves said I didn't have to buy them anything. Come'on. When you have people as good as that, that are as close as family, you NEED to get them something!
And I love seeing reactions from people. I'm a born people watcher. I sometimes sit in a mall with Christine and watch couples, trying to see if I can tell who they are by the little clues people subconsciously give off. I think I'm unusually accurate, actually.
My mom told me once I was too insensitive. I think that if you you know me, You'd know what a huge joke that is. I am so hypersensitive, I can tell if someone is depressed from across the street. I need to relax more, I think.
Anyway, it's been quite a year: I lost a good friend that I thought I'd have for the rest of my life. I lost a long relationship. I lost my home and job. I lost my way.
And now that you've read that, you can now delete it. Because that isn't at all important. And that's what I've gained.
My lost friend? She is in crisis mode and I'll be here for her when she needs me, however long it takes. That's what me being a friend is about, and that's more than okay. Lost relationship? It was very unhealthy and in months I have so grown into a very strong person and fantastic individual. I feel like I've been reborn. And I've found someone who not only cares about me, but respects exactly who I am and doesn't take me for granted.
More importantly: I make her as happy as she does me. What else can anyone ever hope for in life?
Job? Home? Possessions? Phfft!!!!
I have a job now that I Like, (and isn't retail). I have a place to call home, in fact I have two. (I don't even watch TV anymore because my life is just to interesting now). And I've learned you can take everything away from me, and I've really lost nothing at all.
And, I've found my faith in myself. Now that is a great gift I didn't expect, and I actually gave that to me. A second good gift would be a Wii, so if anyone needs to feel as good as I do, feel free to indulge in that!
So I've left a lot of things behind, and it made room for the good stuff.
I guess the biggest thing to start out with is that right now...i'm actually happy. And no, not selfish happy, smug happy, had a good poop happy, or artificial happy. I'm genuinly in a place that I never thought i'd be in right now, and it's pure.
Am I rich? no. But I've made a huge leap into seeing whats really important to me. Am I successful? No. But I can see a pathway I'd like to explore. Am I in love? That's an easy one: Yeah. And this time, I can see what was all the downfalls from before, and it seems so simple right now.
I had a wonderful Christmas and I spent it with my best friends. I had quite a time getting presents to all of them, since my previous work sent my checks to the wrong house and refused to fix it until the new year. But I loved the spirit of giving, and braved to angry shoppers to get what I thought, was perfect gifts for all of them. Even though they themselves said I didn't have to buy them anything. Come'on. When you have people as good as that, that are as close as family, you NEED to get them something!
And I love seeing reactions from people. I'm a born people watcher. I sometimes sit in a mall with Christine and watch couples, trying to see if I can tell who they are by the little clues people subconsciously give off. I think I'm unusually accurate, actually.
My mom told me once I was too insensitive. I think that if you you know me, You'd know what a huge joke that is. I am so hypersensitive, I can tell if someone is depressed from across the street. I need to relax more, I think.
Anyway, it's been quite a year: I lost a good friend that I thought I'd have for the rest of my life. I lost a long relationship. I lost my home and job. I lost my way.
And now that you've read that, you can now delete it. Because that isn't at all important. And that's what I've gained.
My lost friend? She is in crisis mode and I'll be here for her when she needs me, however long it takes. That's what me being a friend is about, and that's more than okay. Lost relationship? It was very unhealthy and in months I have so grown into a very strong person and fantastic individual. I feel like I've been reborn. And I've found someone who not only cares about me, but respects exactly who I am and doesn't take me for granted.
More importantly: I make her as happy as she does me. What else can anyone ever hope for in life?
Job? Home? Possessions? Phfft!!!!
I have a job now that I Like, (and isn't retail). I have a place to call home, in fact I have two. (I don't even watch TV anymore because my life is just to interesting now). And I've learned you can take everything away from me, and I've really lost nothing at all.
And, I've found my faith in myself. Now that is a great gift I didn't expect, and I actually gave that to me. A second good gift would be a Wii, so if anyone needs to feel as good as I do, feel free to indulge in that!
So I've left a lot of things behind, and it made room for the good stuff.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
SushiPhobic
There are some amazing things out there that brightens the human spirit and ignores the fears of mankind's eventual evolution into beings of great worth...
I just didn't know that eating raw fish and seaweed compressed into rice balls was the arena in which we would prove ourselves. Yes, people, I actually ate sushi. I ate things normally picked out of ones swimsuits butt at the beach.
Christine always promised, nay, crusaded, that I must experience going to a sushi bar and enjoying the experience that is, sushi. I never had a reason to try anything that exotic before, and when I've been with her in the past, I'd be a big puss and eat such Japanese traditional favorites such as pumpkin pie and watermelon. That's the equivalent of going to a fine french cuisine and asking for the A1 sauce and a plate of frank n' beans. Godammn ugly American!
But This time, I promised her, promised, that I will actually eat sushi. With all the crap that's been happening to me, I thought it was way way too silly to fear these colorful flavor packets. I this was going to be the beginning of a crusade to abolish stupid fears and annoyances.
I had heard about the dollar a plate sushi night on Halloween at work. And this was right after I had walked into a cloud of flatulence that my co-worker, Stewart had thought he had stealthily released into the workspace. Not so ninja, and when I hit it, I reared up like a horse that was spooked by a snake.
But I digress. For those of you that has never walked into a Sushi Bar, it goes like this: It's a small small area with stools near this countertop with a conveyor belt of sorts, separating you from some surly guys making these artistic dishes. The conveyor belt rotates around the bar caring various plates of comestibles. The color of the plate determines how much the item will cost. When you're full, or sick, you motion an asian lady over who will count up your plates and give you a check.
You also have to master the chopsticks. Even though forks also rotate once in a blue moon, I hear if you grab one, a Ronin will jump out from behind a curtain you thought was the bathrooms, and disembowel you to the cheers of the customers. May not be true, but just try the chopsticks in case.
But jeez, a dollar a plate is a great deal. So much so, when Letty, Christine, Nikki, Greg, Jordan, and I, arrived, we had to wait standing about for over an hour. If you know Christine like I do, You never never never ever, evernever, deny her food when she's hungry. If she were a raccoon in a bear trap, she'd gnaw off her own leg for some sushi. She was about to start screaming at customers that they are already fat bitches and need to vacate, when we were mercifully sat down.
I sat between Nikki and Christine. I was told Nikki is the expert, and would treat my virgin palate like a gentle lover. Well, I was sort of told that.
And she did. She's gesture at a sushi roll and say things like, "you can start with that." or "that's fish, you wont want to do that yet". Christine took brilliant care of me and told me to just trust her, open my mouth, and eat...this. Don't nibble, just eat, chew, and swallow. Don't try to identify, or comprehend, just enjoy. Without hesitation, I took the roll and ate it.
And, it wasn't bad at all.
In fact, it was interesting to taste the textures and not know exactly what I was eating. I've never ate anything before without knowing what it would probably taste like. I ate this without any preconception. And it was quite liberating!
I tried another. And a spicier one! And a bolder one! And something that looked like old fried popcorn chicken ruminates. As it turned out, it was calamari...A squidy thingy. I ate fish! That is truly one of the sighs of End of Days!
As I ate it, all I thought was poor Admiral Akbar on the rebel star cruiser screaming, "It's a trap!!!", as Darth Vader breaded and deep fried his sorry ass. I was having culinary fun!
I use to be SushiPhobic, But I so enjoyed the experience with my friends, that I suggested that we so needed to do this again. Even Christine was proud of me, as I was.
So kids, let that be a lesson for all of you. Never walk by a gassy co-worker with your mouth open, and fear of the unknown isn't a real fear at all.
Happy Halloween folks, and try the Akbar, he's delicious.
I just didn't know that eating raw fish and seaweed compressed into rice balls was the arena in which we would prove ourselves. Yes, people, I actually ate sushi. I ate things normally picked out of ones swimsuits butt at the beach.
Christine always promised, nay, crusaded, that I must experience going to a sushi bar and enjoying the experience that is, sushi. I never had a reason to try anything that exotic before, and when I've been with her in the past, I'd be a big puss and eat such Japanese traditional favorites such as pumpkin pie and watermelon. That's the equivalent of going to a fine french cuisine and asking for the A1 sauce and a plate of frank n' beans. Godammn ugly American!
But This time, I promised her, promised, that I will actually eat sushi. With all the crap that's been happening to me, I thought it was way way too silly to fear these colorful flavor packets. I this was going to be the beginning of a crusade to abolish stupid fears and annoyances.
I had heard about the dollar a plate sushi night on Halloween at work. And this was right after I had walked into a cloud of flatulence that my co-worker, Stewart had thought he had stealthily released into the workspace. Not so ninja, and when I hit it, I reared up like a horse that was spooked by a snake.
But I digress. For those of you that has never walked into a Sushi Bar, it goes like this: It's a small small area with stools near this countertop with a conveyor belt of sorts, separating you from some surly guys making these artistic dishes. The conveyor belt rotates around the bar caring various plates of comestibles. The color of the plate determines how much the item will cost. When you're full, or sick, you motion an asian lady over who will count up your plates and give you a check.
You also have to master the chopsticks. Even though forks also rotate once in a blue moon, I hear if you grab one, a Ronin will jump out from behind a curtain you thought was the bathrooms, and disembowel you to the cheers of the customers. May not be true, but just try the chopsticks in case.
But jeez, a dollar a plate is a great deal. So much so, when Letty, Christine, Nikki, Greg, Jordan, and I, arrived, we had to wait standing about for over an hour. If you know Christine like I do, You never never never ever, evernever, deny her food when she's hungry. If she were a raccoon in a bear trap, she'd gnaw off her own leg for some sushi. She was about to start screaming at customers that they are already fat bitches and need to vacate, when we were mercifully sat down.
I sat between Nikki and Christine. I was told Nikki is the expert, and would treat my virgin palate like a gentle lover. Well, I was sort of told that.
And she did. She's gesture at a sushi roll and say things like, "you can start with that." or "that's fish, you wont want to do that yet". Christine took brilliant care of me and told me to just trust her, open my mouth, and eat...this. Don't nibble, just eat, chew, and swallow. Don't try to identify, or comprehend, just enjoy. Without hesitation, I took the roll and ate it.
And, it wasn't bad at all.
In fact, it was interesting to taste the textures and not know exactly what I was eating. I've never ate anything before without knowing what it would probably taste like. I ate this without any preconception. And it was quite liberating!
I tried another. And a spicier one! And a bolder one! And something that looked like old fried popcorn chicken ruminates. As it turned out, it was calamari...A squidy thingy. I ate fish! That is truly one of the sighs of End of Days!
As I ate it, all I thought was poor Admiral Akbar on the rebel star cruiser screaming, "It's a trap!!!", as Darth Vader breaded and deep fried his sorry ass. I was having culinary fun!
I use to be SushiPhobic, But I so enjoyed the experience with my friends, that I suggested that we so needed to do this again. Even Christine was proud of me, as I was.
So kids, let that be a lesson for all of you. Never walk by a gassy co-worker with your mouth open, and fear of the unknown isn't a real fear at all.
Happy Halloween folks, and try the Akbar, he's delicious.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Book of Regrets
Life is supposed to be funny, happy, easy, and safe.
Most of the times, is scary and sad. A crazy place where it seems all you do is hurt people.
I guess it's like that so when the safe times come, we appreciate it more. Or is it simply the worm on the hook: being that chicken on a skillet, ready to dance for someone Else's entertainment. I don't honestly know... But I do know this.
I know of a girl who's heart is braking. And there is nothing I can do.
I can't give any advice, because I truly don't have any answers. The variables make sense, and they all spell salvation or doom. And anyway you look at it, someone will end up broken and shattered.
I know this girl with a unique (or maybe not...) problem: She loves two guys, and she must choose one. The longer she can't decide, pains her so much, it makes me cry for her. She's dying inside, and whatever she chooses, someone looses.
Does she go with her older boyfriend: who is sweet and comforting, and has been loyal and safe. He's open emotionally, almost to an annoyingly fault. The one who gives her feelings of relevance, and importance. Who's love is so strong, it scares her at times. Or, does she brake up with him for the old flame that rolled back into her world. He one true love or her life that she always missed. He's the brash arrogant one, who hides his emotions and keeps her faults checked and humbled? He's exciting and vibrant, and doesn't scare her with talk of passion and love.
One represents order, the other controlled chaos. One quiet peace, the other, lusty conflict. Yin and Yang...
She says she needs to see about the "what ifs". What if she can get back together with this flame? Sacrifice the "what is", for a gamble that he may love her back with the same quiet intensity that her old boyfriend does...
But, I've found that Life is a series of "what ifs". It's a book of regrets. Every decision you make creates a pick-a-path of immense complications. You need to learn that you can't chase every what if, and live a life worth living. Your unchosen paths are like a burning wake that must be left behind, so you can go further...
I understand she's afraid that her relationship with her cast off boyfriend may take away her younger years, him being such older, it'll make her need to accept responsibilities and grow up. Perhaps faster than she should, destroying a childhood that will never happen. perhaps he'll die long before she will, leaving a wife and child to raise a family fatherless. Perhaps he'll never change, as she grows and evolves. Perhaps she's not ready to think about a future.
I understand she's afraid of the old flame, giving up her guaranteed love for a chance that he may profess his, someday. But she'll have the luxury of not growing up, and having to take on the world of ugly adult responsibilities. She would be able to hide any feelings and emotions and not be called out or questioned. What if she's just temporary in his mind? What if he too, never grows beyond the partying ways and pot smoking glory days of being "cool"? What if he can't tell her he loves her, or even commit to her as she would for him? But, with him, there's no thought of any future beyond the now?
She's afraid of the wrong choice, which cannot be recovered from.
Who do you chose? Who do you stab in the heart
Whoever she chooses, will create a regret she'll never crawl away from. She's torn and crying over it. She's angry and looking for a way out of a no win scenario. She's slathered with guilt that can never wash off, because she wanted it all...and that's not possible...
That's not life.
And she doesn't realize that her book of regrets, adds more chapters.
I wish I could say the right thing, and make it go away, but I can't. It can't be ignored, and it can't be a happy ending.
Most of the times, is scary and sad. A crazy place where it seems all you do is hurt people.
I guess it's like that so when the safe times come, we appreciate it more. Or is it simply the worm on the hook: being that chicken on a skillet, ready to dance for someone Else's entertainment. I don't honestly know... But I do know this.
I know of a girl who's heart is braking. And there is nothing I can do.
I can't give any advice, because I truly don't have any answers. The variables make sense, and they all spell salvation or doom. And anyway you look at it, someone will end up broken and shattered.
I know this girl with a unique (or maybe not...) problem: She loves two guys, and she must choose one. The longer she can't decide, pains her so much, it makes me cry for her. She's dying inside, and whatever she chooses, someone looses.
Does she go with her older boyfriend: who is sweet and comforting, and has been loyal and safe. He's open emotionally, almost to an annoyingly fault. The one who gives her feelings of relevance, and importance. Who's love is so strong, it scares her at times. Or, does she brake up with him for the old flame that rolled back into her world. He one true love or her life that she always missed. He's the brash arrogant one, who hides his emotions and keeps her faults checked and humbled? He's exciting and vibrant, and doesn't scare her with talk of passion and love.
One represents order, the other controlled chaos. One quiet peace, the other, lusty conflict. Yin and Yang...
She says she needs to see about the "what ifs". What if she can get back together with this flame? Sacrifice the "what is", for a gamble that he may love her back with the same quiet intensity that her old boyfriend does...
But, I've found that Life is a series of "what ifs". It's a book of regrets. Every decision you make creates a pick-a-path of immense complications. You need to learn that you can't chase every what if, and live a life worth living. Your unchosen paths are like a burning wake that must be left behind, so you can go further...
I understand she's afraid that her relationship with her cast off boyfriend may take away her younger years, him being such older, it'll make her need to accept responsibilities and grow up. Perhaps faster than she should, destroying a childhood that will never happen. perhaps he'll die long before she will, leaving a wife and child to raise a family fatherless. Perhaps he'll never change, as she grows and evolves. Perhaps she's not ready to think about a future.
I understand she's afraid of the old flame, giving up her guaranteed love for a chance that he may profess his, someday. But she'll have the luxury of not growing up, and having to take on the world of ugly adult responsibilities. She would be able to hide any feelings and emotions and not be called out or questioned. What if she's just temporary in his mind? What if he too, never grows beyond the partying ways and pot smoking glory days of being "cool"? What if he can't tell her he loves her, or even commit to her as she would for him? But, with him, there's no thought of any future beyond the now?
She's afraid of the wrong choice, which cannot be recovered from.
Who do you chose? Who do you stab in the heart
Whoever she chooses, will create a regret she'll never crawl away from. She's torn and crying over it. She's angry and looking for a way out of a no win scenario. She's slathered with guilt that can never wash off, because she wanted it all...and that's not possible...
That's not life.
And she doesn't realize that her book of regrets, adds more chapters.
I wish I could say the right thing, and make it go away, but I can't. It can't be ignored, and it can't be a happy ending.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Lost Lives and Funnybook Lessons
Oh Jesus, were do I start?
How do I explain me virtually disappearing for months? What happened to me? How did I get here and what have I become? Honestly, I'm still figuring that out...
I know whats it's like to have everything taken from you, and left to die. To have someone you thought you can trust do anything to destroy you. Even if it were to decimate themselves, after all, they can blame you for that too.
I won't get into too much detail here. I'm tired of having these thoughts bouncing about my skull, and I don't want to get into a "pity-party"...even though I think if anyone deserves one, this is a great time to work that up, and bring depressing party hats with a stale cake and a sad drunken clown who's wife just left him and can only make balloon animals like a snake, a stick, and a deformed legless dog.
In one day...I got set up an fired from my job. My bank account and savings was emptied. My friends were threatened to never talk to me again. I came home to an apartment with absolutely no furniture and almost no personal affects intact. And, my cat, Indiana, was taken away. I had the money in my wallet, the clothes on my back, and my car. And, all of this was caused by me.
I put all my trust into the perfectly wrong person.
What does one do? When you have nothing, you give up hope, some people say. And I'm sure the whole evil mastermind plan was to see me hurt so much, that I would want to die. Pictures ripped up that could never be replaced. Things I worked hard to make or do, shattered to oblivion. Bits of my life, burned and raped, just for someones perverted pleasure. even my Rickenbacker, was bashed apart with a hammer and left behind as a token of how stupid I am.
What does one do. I sat in my car in the dark and wondered what do I do. Where do I start. I can't afford food, gas, rent, clothes, anything. I'd be so easy to just...give up. -They won. well played.
I sat there and glanced over to see if I had a coat in the back seat, as it was going to be a cool night. In the back of my car was a book. Before you think I'm going to say I "found religion", it was a comic book. In the story, the hero Daredevil, a successful lawyer by day, has his identity given to his arch enemy, the Kingpin. And the Kingpin knows that it's easy to murder his hated foe, but it also lets him off the hook way too quickly...he wants Daredevil to suffer.
The Kingpin uses his influence to frame Daredevil. His accounts were frozen, he lost his house, he was fired from his job, no one believed him, and he lost everything. reduced to stumbling around back alleys and sleeping on the street. You see, to totally destroy someone, you need to take everything away from him, then when he has nothing, you be merciful and end it for him.
The Kingpin made Daredevil lose all hope. Then he saw his greatest mistake: A man without hope, is a man without fear.
Daredevil realized that he really lost nothing. He has himself, and he'll be damned if anyone will take that away. He fought back, if only to show that he is still alive, and he triumphed. Nothing mattered but who he was inside.
And I'll be damned if I let myself give up.
Within weeks I work my tail off. I got a job. I got a place. I got people who cared about me and also didn't have any fear. I didn't let myself drown in worthlessness (but god, that was hard...). Because, that was the best way show everyone that I really lost nothing...because you can't change me. You can't crush me. All you can do is be blinded by my brilliance of resolve. All you can do is be envious.
For that entire stressful month and a half, I've had this horrible chest pain and cough. Sometimes even coughing up blood. I found out that I have a problem with my thymus in my chest. I know what that might mean. And, I know in the past I would have cried, "why me?" But I don't, and I smile more now. Why? If anything all this has done, is show I can beat anything.
I sit in my new apartment, typing on the Internet before I have to go to work, and I know people love me. I had people who took me in their homes, and gave me their love and understanding.
I really lost nothing. I actually gained a few things. And I have no fear.
How do I explain me virtually disappearing for months? What happened to me? How did I get here and what have I become? Honestly, I'm still figuring that out...
I know whats it's like to have everything taken from you, and left to die. To have someone you thought you can trust do anything to destroy you. Even if it were to decimate themselves, after all, they can blame you for that too.
I won't get into too much detail here. I'm tired of having these thoughts bouncing about my skull, and I don't want to get into a "pity-party"...even though I think if anyone deserves one, this is a great time to work that up, and bring depressing party hats with a stale cake and a sad drunken clown who's wife just left him and can only make balloon animals like a snake, a stick, and a deformed legless dog.
In one day...I got set up an fired from my job. My bank account and savings was emptied. My friends were threatened to never talk to me again. I came home to an apartment with absolutely no furniture and almost no personal affects intact. And, my cat, Indiana, was taken away. I had the money in my wallet, the clothes on my back, and my car. And, all of this was caused by me.
I put all my trust into the perfectly wrong person.
What does one do? When you have nothing, you give up hope, some people say. And I'm sure the whole evil mastermind plan was to see me hurt so much, that I would want to die. Pictures ripped up that could never be replaced. Things I worked hard to make or do, shattered to oblivion. Bits of my life, burned and raped, just for someones perverted pleasure. even my Rickenbacker, was bashed apart with a hammer and left behind as a token of how stupid I am.
What does one do. I sat in my car in the dark and wondered what do I do. Where do I start. I can't afford food, gas, rent, clothes, anything. I'd be so easy to just...give up. -They won. well played.
I sat there and glanced over to see if I had a coat in the back seat, as it was going to be a cool night. In the back of my car was a book. Before you think I'm going to say I "found religion", it was a comic book. In the story, the hero Daredevil, a successful lawyer by day, has his identity given to his arch enemy, the Kingpin. And the Kingpin knows that it's easy to murder his hated foe, but it also lets him off the hook way too quickly...he wants Daredevil to suffer.
The Kingpin uses his influence to frame Daredevil. His accounts were frozen, he lost his house, he was fired from his job, no one believed him, and he lost everything. reduced to stumbling around back alleys and sleeping on the street. You see, to totally destroy someone, you need to take everything away from him, then when he has nothing, you be merciful and end it for him.
The Kingpin made Daredevil lose all hope. Then he saw his greatest mistake: A man without hope, is a man without fear.
Daredevil realized that he really lost nothing. He has himself, and he'll be damned if anyone will take that away. He fought back, if only to show that he is still alive, and he triumphed. Nothing mattered but who he was inside.
And I'll be damned if I let myself give up.
Within weeks I work my tail off. I got a job. I got a place. I got people who cared about me and also didn't have any fear. I didn't let myself drown in worthlessness (but god, that was hard...). Because, that was the best way show everyone that I really lost nothing...because you can't change me. You can't crush me. All you can do is be blinded by my brilliance of resolve. All you can do is be envious.
For that entire stressful month and a half, I've had this horrible chest pain and cough. Sometimes even coughing up blood. I found out that I have a problem with my thymus in my chest. I know what that might mean. And, I know in the past I would have cried, "why me?" But I don't, and I smile more now. Why? If anything all this has done, is show I can beat anything.
I sit in my new apartment, typing on the Internet before I have to go to work, and I know people love me. I had people who took me in their homes, and gave me their love and understanding.
I really lost nothing. I actually gained a few things. And I have no fear.
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