I never thought I has so much crap until I had to pack for the potential move.
I've been at the same place for almost ten years, and you tend to accumulate a lot of garbage, that at one point, you though you needed. And, even though you haven't use the item in question in amost a decade, a small part of you is whispering in your ear that you'll be sorry if you throw that away.
Do I need an Entertainment weekly from 1997? A broken model of the millennium Falcon? A badge for the DVD release of the Lion King? An extra rule book for Mille Bournes? A broken audio tape? Model parts from various kit bashed toys? A lifesized cutout of Halle Berry? The cardboard box from an old Windows 95 game? Six ball mouse's and three keyboards?
By the way, as no one has determined the right plural of a computer mouse, I officially state that the plural of the computer mouse is "mouse's", and not "Mice". "Mice" refer to the rodential animal. As a computer mouse doesn't eat cheese or poop pellets, I think they shouldn't be referred as the same as a herd of Mice.
The plural of keyboards is "A gaggle of Alpha-numeric pressure triggers"
Urgh...I'm so tired of packing. I should just toss half of my stuff. But, the guilt that follows will be unbearable. Why is it when you pack, it seems like you have less room than you did before? Why did I have to collect books and not something lighter, than say, thimbles?
I haven't even been able to play my favorite game, City of Heroes, like the comic geek that I am, or watch a DVD (As they're all packed). I don't even have a place to go yet.
Most places have three criteria to rent from them:
1.) Criminal record: I'm clean as a whistle. A shoe in.
2.) Rental history: Never skipped out on a rental, and I've been a very quiet and responsible tenant for many years.
3.) Credit history: ........ ........ ........er...
okay, credit aint ot good. Who's isn't? But I more than excel in the two others, and I can more than pay the rent. I'm also taking care of my credit without resorting to bankruptcy. But they input my application into a gaggle of Alpha-numeric pressure triggers, and in seconds, I'm denied.
Why don't I stay in my current place? The place is literally falling apart! The pluming has gone bad every year from massive flooding to the toilet flushing into the apartment below me. The electrical wiring shorts out and trips the circuit breakers when the wind blows..Literally! And the floors are starting to cave in.
All the current owners are doing is updating the places, which I must say, is more than the past owners did. But a fresh coat of paint and raising the rent $100 doesn't hide that fact that one day soon, I might find myself in the apartment below me. Crashing through like Curly of the three stooges sawing through the floors. It's not worth it for the cosmetic bandaid.
But there we go. Back to packing. Back to calling around. Back to applications that are hopefully close to free to apply.
Hmph... Once place wanted $1000 deposit for a cat! You get the deposit back after they go through your apartment with a CSI blacklight to find cat stains and an enzyme check for feline urine! It's cool if it's human residue, I guess. I had to ask twice to see if I heard the landlord right. I suppose I could cover for the cat and say, "Oh that? That was me. I was feeling quite frisky one night, and I have the bladder of a frighten bunny at times..."
Oh, and I'm probably gonna keep Halle Berry.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Hollywood Dream Projects
Ask anyone in Hollywood, and lurking in their bottom drawer is a "dream project" waiting until they have earned enough success and clout to unleash on the world. The last couple of years saw many of these dreams come to fruition, including Kevin Spacey's Bobby Darin biopic BEYOND THE SEA, Taylor Hackford's Ray Charles movie, and Halle Berry’s long-standing dream of taking a career peaked with an Oscar win and completely whizzing it away.
Yes, these dreams are just as often flops as not. In 1900, inventor Thomas Edison, fresh off of the trifecta of hits MAN FALLS OFF BICYCLE, CAR DRIVES DOWN STREET, and SMALL CHILD EATS TOAST, attempted his most elaborate and complicated work yet, MIDGET WAVES HELLO.
The film took nearly a day of preproduction (tasks included "find a midget," "set up camera," "wave to him"), cost several dollars to shoot, and had more than two special effects shots (the midget did not actually wave, so this had to be added later by bribing another midget and cutting between the two). Edison spent days editing the film, watching test reels, re-editing it, watching it more. By the time the film was ready, the Lumiere brothers had beaten Edison with their inferior but showier LES DEUX PETITES PERSONNES DEPLACENT LEURS MAINS ("TWO SMALL PEOPLE MOVE THEIR HANDS"), leaving the American's version to be mocked as an inferior copycat. Edison was so furious that he trashed his planned follow-up, OLD MAN PETS CAT.
Some years later, hoping to vindicate Edison, D. W. Griffith, fresh from the successes of BIRTH OF A NATION, and its sequel, DOCTOR SLAPS NATION'S BUTT, Griffith wrote, produced, and directed his own D.W. GRIFFITH PRESENTS A D.W. GRIFFITH PRODUCTION OF A MIDGET WAVES HELLO BY DAVID WARK GRIFFITH AND WHAT ARE YOU SNICKERING AT -- "WARK" IS A PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE NAME, DAMMIT, which was 183 minutes long, featured more than 400,000 midgets and the largest set constructed up to that point (a complete recreation of the city of Baltimore), and cost $4 million, which, in today's dollars, would also be $4 million, as dollars are still pretty much the exact same size and shape as back then, and therefore would not have changed much.
However, perhaps the most elaborate dream project still belongs to Orson Welles, who changed his "dream project" as often as he changed underwear, which, to be perfectly honest, was not very often. After the acclaim of CITIZEN KANE and the subsequent butchering of his follow-up, THE MAGNIFICENT AMBERSONS, Welles shopped around a script he had written called I'M GOING TO HUNT DOWN RKO PRESIDENT GEORGE SCHAEFER AND MURDER HIM WITH A HATCHET IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN, but it was rejected by all the major studios, although it would later be filmed as LOOK WHO'S TALKING NOW.
Not long after, Welles wrote another script entitled I SO WANT TO GIVE RITA HAYWORTH THE BONE. In later years, this became I SO GAVE RITA HAYWORTH THE BONE, then GUESS WHO BONED RITA HAYWORTH -- AGAIN! Warner Bros. showed some interest, but wanted Welles to rewrite it for Dean Martin.
The next draft, titled DEAN MARTIN IS A FRUIT, was rejected, and the project went back into Welles' desk drawer, alongside BARBARA STANWYCK IS SUCH A HOT PIECE OF TAIL and GOD, I LOVE HAM.
Welles' story perfectly illustrates the folly of so many dream projects. In the 70s, following the success of STAR WARS, Burt Reynolds tried to get financing for his own science-fiction epic, CAPTAIN SPACE GUY BEATS UP HIPPIES ON PLANET NIPPULON. Everyone knows about BATTLEFIELD: EARTH, but prior to becoming a Scientologist, Travolta’s first dream project was his one-man show based on "Are You There, God? It's Me Margaret." And Michael Bay is desperate to get his musical Scott Baio biopic (CHACHI!) in the can, but Baio stubbornly refuses to die so that Bay can have his third act.
In fact, many a dream project has hinged on retelling (or, usually, reliving) someone else's life story. At this very moment, Milos Foreman is preparing a biopic about Kevin Spacey making the biopic about Bobby Darin.
And yet, so long as stars have egos, there will be bloated dream projects. For every RAY, there are ten HEAVEN’S GATEs, just like how, for every Jack Lemmon, there must be a Chris Lemmon; for every Bill Murray, there are an infinite number of Wayans brothers; for every Oscar winner, there is a CATWOMAN waiting to be made. It’s the way of Hollywood, the way of the...
Hey, look, a waving midget!
Yes, these dreams are just as often flops as not. In 1900, inventor Thomas Edison, fresh off of the trifecta of hits MAN FALLS OFF BICYCLE, CAR DRIVES DOWN STREET, and SMALL CHILD EATS TOAST, attempted his most elaborate and complicated work yet, MIDGET WAVES HELLO.
The film took nearly a day of preproduction (tasks included "find a midget," "set up camera," "wave to him"), cost several dollars to shoot, and had more than two special effects shots (the midget did not actually wave, so this had to be added later by bribing another midget and cutting between the two). Edison spent days editing the film, watching test reels, re-editing it, watching it more. By the time the film was ready, the Lumiere brothers had beaten Edison with their inferior but showier LES DEUX PETITES PERSONNES DEPLACENT LEURS MAINS ("TWO SMALL PEOPLE MOVE THEIR HANDS"), leaving the American's version to be mocked as an inferior copycat. Edison was so furious that he trashed his planned follow-up, OLD MAN PETS CAT.
Some years later, hoping to vindicate Edison, D. W. Griffith, fresh from the successes of BIRTH OF A NATION, and its sequel, DOCTOR SLAPS NATION'S BUTT, Griffith wrote, produced, and directed his own D.W. GRIFFITH PRESENTS A D.W. GRIFFITH PRODUCTION OF A MIDGET WAVES HELLO BY DAVID WARK GRIFFITH AND WHAT ARE YOU SNICKERING AT -- "WARK" IS A PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE NAME, DAMMIT, which was 183 minutes long, featured more than 400,000 midgets and the largest set constructed up to that point (a complete recreation of the city of Baltimore), and cost $4 million, which, in today's dollars, would also be $4 million, as dollars are still pretty much the exact same size and shape as back then, and therefore would not have changed much.
However, perhaps the most elaborate dream project still belongs to Orson Welles, who changed his "dream project" as often as he changed underwear, which, to be perfectly honest, was not very often. After the acclaim of CITIZEN KANE and the subsequent butchering of his follow-up, THE MAGNIFICENT AMBERSONS, Welles shopped around a script he had written called I'M GOING TO HUNT DOWN RKO PRESIDENT GEORGE SCHAEFER AND MURDER HIM WITH A HATCHET IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN, but it was rejected by all the major studios, although it would later be filmed as LOOK WHO'S TALKING NOW.
Not long after, Welles wrote another script entitled I SO WANT TO GIVE RITA HAYWORTH THE BONE. In later years, this became I SO GAVE RITA HAYWORTH THE BONE, then GUESS WHO BONED RITA HAYWORTH -- AGAIN! Warner Bros. showed some interest, but wanted Welles to rewrite it for Dean Martin.
The next draft, titled DEAN MARTIN IS A FRUIT, was rejected, and the project went back into Welles' desk drawer, alongside BARBARA STANWYCK IS SUCH A HOT PIECE OF TAIL and GOD, I LOVE HAM.
Welles' story perfectly illustrates the folly of so many dream projects. In the 70s, following the success of STAR WARS, Burt Reynolds tried to get financing for his own science-fiction epic, CAPTAIN SPACE GUY BEATS UP HIPPIES ON PLANET NIPPULON. Everyone knows about BATTLEFIELD: EARTH, but prior to becoming a Scientologist, Travolta’s first dream project was his one-man show based on "Are You There, God? It's Me Margaret." And Michael Bay is desperate to get his musical Scott Baio biopic (CHACHI!) in the can, but Baio stubbornly refuses to die so that Bay can have his third act.
In fact, many a dream project has hinged on retelling (or, usually, reliving) someone else's life story. At this very moment, Milos Foreman is preparing a biopic about Kevin Spacey making the biopic about Bobby Darin.
And yet, so long as stars have egos, there will be bloated dream projects. For every RAY, there are ten HEAVEN’S GATEs, just like how, for every Jack Lemmon, there must be a Chris Lemmon; for every Bill Murray, there are an infinite number of Wayans brothers; for every Oscar winner, there is a CATWOMAN waiting to be made. It’s the way of Hollywood, the way of the...
Hey, look, a waving midget!
Friday, January 06, 2006
Pizza fun while you wait!
I was hungry today, and didn't feel like making anything, so I treated myself to a delivered Pizza.
I worked at a Pizza place almost 8 years many moons ago, and it was one of the best jobs I had memories of. I can still authentic toss a fresh pizza dough in seconds and spin anything from a mug to a 2 quart pitcher in my hand. I made the best of friends there, and the most diverse of loved ones.
I thought of this while awaiting on hold for Dominoes to pick up. I set about collecting ideas on how to add some excitement when ordering a pizza over the phone. Try some yourself and add to the fun! Your pimply "order chief" will probably appreciate the brake from monotony too!
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
3. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
4. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
5. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
6. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
7. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
8. Stutter on the letter "p." P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pizza...
9. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
10. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
11. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.
12. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
13. Ask if they can hold a pizza to the phone so you can smell it.
14. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
15. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
16. Ask if you can rent a pizza.
17. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a huge sigh of relief.
18. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long"i" sound.
19. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
20. Imitate the order taker's voice.
21. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now?"
22. Play a sitar in the background. Speak in a bad indian accent.
23. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
24. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
25. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
26. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
27. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
28. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you? Why are calling me?"
29. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
30. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
31. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
32. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
33. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
34. Wonder aloud if you should trim them pesky nose hairs.
35. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and.. . action!"
36. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
37. When they repeat your order, say "Again, ...with a little more OOMPH this time."
38. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."Simulate a cutoff.
39. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
40. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
41. Ask if the driver can swing by a market and pick up some toilet paper, Cherrioes, and a Maxim mag on the way there for you.
42. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
43. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
44. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it,do you?"
45. Haggle.
46. Order a one-inch pizza.
47. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
48. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
49. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
50. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
51. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in thebackground. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
52. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
53. Order a steamed pizza.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, (54) say, in your best pouty voice, " The last guy let me do it."
I worked at a Pizza place almost 8 years many moons ago, and it was one of the best jobs I had memories of. I can still authentic toss a fresh pizza dough in seconds and spin anything from a mug to a 2 quart pitcher in my hand. I made the best of friends there, and the most diverse of loved ones.
I thought of this while awaiting on hold for Dominoes to pick up. I set about collecting ideas on how to add some excitement when ordering a pizza over the phone. Try some yourself and add to the fun! Your pimply "order chief" will probably appreciate the brake from monotony too!
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
3. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
4. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
5. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
6. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
7. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
8. Stutter on the letter "p." P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pizza...
9. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
10. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
11. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.
12. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
13. Ask if they can hold a pizza to the phone so you can smell it.
14. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
15. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
16. Ask if you can rent a pizza.
17. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a huge sigh of relief.
18. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long"i" sound.
19. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
20. Imitate the order taker's voice.
21. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now?"
22. Play a sitar in the background. Speak in a bad indian accent.
23. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
24. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
25. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
26. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
27. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
28. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you? Why are calling me?"
29. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
30. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
31. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
32. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
33. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
34. Wonder aloud if you should trim them pesky nose hairs.
35. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and.. . action!"
36. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
37. When they repeat your order, say "Again, ...with a little more OOMPH this time."
38. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."Simulate a cutoff.
39. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
40. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
41. Ask if the driver can swing by a market and pick up some toilet paper, Cherrioes, and a Maxim mag on the way there for you.
42. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
43. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
44. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it,do you?"
45. Haggle.
46. Order a one-inch pizza.
47. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
48. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
49. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
50. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
51. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in thebackground. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
52. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
53. Order a steamed pizza.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, (54) say, in your best pouty voice, " The last guy let me do it."
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Rose Parade "Lite"
I actually like seeing parades on TV.
Well, not all parades. The Macys Thanksgiving day parade is rather bad. What you get nowadays, is a few balloons, a very few floats that are mostly traveling commercials, about 1000 marching bands, and mostly, excerpts from various Broadway plays.
The only saving grace of these long, vocal prerecorded plays, is seeing the original performers freezing their asses off outdoors. I got a kick out of seeing the near hypodermic Christina Applegate trying to mime her Sweet Chastity act with a bloodless shivering face and exposed legs. The only play during these spots I like seeing was back in 1976, Beatlemania. And, that, was with the awful New York cast.
And mostly above all that...They always cut to the anchor desk or a commercial when a float goes by. You'll see Katie Curic talking about something vapid, and behind her is a huge balloon that you're missing to hear about Katies amazing life. Yell, "Down in front!!" all ya like, she wont shut up.
Anyway...The Tounament of Roses Parade! This one I like the most. Not because of the flowers. But, because the floats are innovative and imaginative, and they usually are animated really cool like! I Know that all parade are only some commercial preshow to some football game. But I like the majesty.
I made the mistake, like I do almost every year in not watching it on Los Angeles's KTLA with Bob Eubanks and Stephanie Edwards. I watched it on CBS (I was still smarting from NBCs Turkey parade broadcast). I forgot what network channels do now: Less parade, more commercials!
They typical CBS broadcast was talking about a football marching band with looooong shots of the horn section, then you see the tip of a float...BLAM! COMMERCIAL! About 7 commercials later, you see the tip of the end of another entirely different float, and here comes the bruins marching band! Suffer that and see the front half of another interesting float...And you must brace for the whiplash when you are all of a sudden, transported to the archor desk to discuss the upcoming TV season on...CBS!
the capper? They ended the parade an hour and a half early as not to intrude on the posted time for the Rose bowl! But first, lets see Leeann Rimes again to block out any chance of seeing any parade! Although I did love the moment when Leeann was almost caterpulted into space from the covered stage she rose up on. You saw her hanging on for dear life in a mini skirt, shot up into the hard sideways rain, from a hole in the floral stage. Just to lipsync a song with about 20 drenched faux cowboy/dancers.
But, salvation! Although I like in Washington, the Travel Channel (knowing what is the BEST broadcast of the parade) Was showing the live and re-play of the KTLA rose Parade with Bob and Steph! Minimal commercials that don't miss anything, and uncut time. My heart soared!
Bob and Steph are amazing, never trying to outshone the parade, and being interesting instead of stupid...A fine line to balance on. This year, Shephanie decided to be down with the common folk on the parade route...Not knowing that today was the worst rain day in California. Seeing the frozen Steph clinging onto a child's vinyl umbrella and teeth chattering, and being hilariously bitter about the whole idea, was delightful!
Did you know Polar Bears don't drink?
Did you know who supplies the roses and how they remain fresh until the day?
Did you want to hear bathroom and Scottish kilt jokes?
Did you want to see Steph look directly into the camera and bitch about her balls freezing off?
I got that all! Thx, Bob and Steph!
Well, not all parades. The Macys Thanksgiving day parade is rather bad. What you get nowadays, is a few balloons, a very few floats that are mostly traveling commercials, about 1000 marching bands, and mostly, excerpts from various Broadway plays.
The only saving grace of these long, vocal prerecorded plays, is seeing the original performers freezing their asses off outdoors. I got a kick out of seeing the near hypodermic Christina Applegate trying to mime her Sweet Chastity act with a bloodless shivering face and exposed legs. The only play during these spots I like seeing was back in 1976, Beatlemania. And, that, was with the awful New York cast.
And mostly above all that...They always cut to the anchor desk or a commercial when a float goes by. You'll see Katie Curic talking about something vapid, and behind her is a huge balloon that you're missing to hear about Katies amazing life. Yell, "Down in front!!" all ya like, she wont shut up.
Anyway...The Tounament of Roses Parade! This one I like the most. Not because of the flowers. But, because the floats are innovative and imaginative, and they usually are animated really cool like! I Know that all parade are only some commercial preshow to some football game. But I like the majesty.
I made the mistake, like I do almost every year in not watching it on Los Angeles's KTLA with Bob Eubanks and Stephanie Edwards. I watched it on CBS (I was still smarting from NBCs Turkey parade broadcast). I forgot what network channels do now: Less parade, more commercials!
They typical CBS broadcast was talking about a football marching band with looooong shots of the horn section, then you see the tip of a float...BLAM! COMMERCIAL! About 7 commercials later, you see the tip of the end of another entirely different float, and here comes the bruins marching band! Suffer that and see the front half of another interesting float...And you must brace for the whiplash when you are all of a sudden, transported to the archor desk to discuss the upcoming TV season on...CBS!
the capper? They ended the parade an hour and a half early as not to intrude on the posted time for the Rose bowl! But first, lets see Leeann Rimes again to block out any chance of seeing any parade! Although I did love the moment when Leeann was almost caterpulted into space from the covered stage she rose up on. You saw her hanging on for dear life in a mini skirt, shot up into the hard sideways rain, from a hole in the floral stage. Just to lipsync a song with about 20 drenched faux cowboy/dancers.
But, salvation! Although I like in Washington, the Travel Channel (knowing what is the BEST broadcast of the parade) Was showing the live and re-play of the KTLA rose Parade with Bob and Steph! Minimal commercials that don't miss anything, and uncut time. My heart soared!
Bob and Steph are amazing, never trying to outshone the parade, and being interesting instead of stupid...A fine line to balance on. This year, Shephanie decided to be down with the common folk on the parade route...Not knowing that today was the worst rain day in California. Seeing the frozen Steph clinging onto a child's vinyl umbrella and teeth chattering, and being hilariously bitter about the whole idea, was delightful!
Did you know Polar Bears don't drink?
Did you know who supplies the roses and how they remain fresh until the day?
Did you want to hear bathroom and Scottish kilt jokes?
Did you want to see Steph look directly into the camera and bitch about her balls freezing off?
I got that all! Thx, Bob and Steph!
Monday, January 02, 2006
Happy Smokin' New Year!
Once again, i've survived to see another year come and go, and come again.
I don't do much on the holiday, as I don't really drink, or smoke, or have any friends since I've moved up to Washington state. I've been here almost 10 years, and i'm still though of as an outsider. A Californian. Although I do believe that in order to create friendships, I need to learn to smoke. Everyone smokes here, and even have special brakes for that at the workplace.
Non-smoker Question: "I'm going on a brake, 'kay?"
Answer: "Woah!, Is it your time for a brake? You can't right now..."
Or, Smoker Question: "I'm gonna go for a quick smoke outside..."
Answer" "...okay...I'll join ya..."
I'm not exagerating either. In fact, the smoker will still get their brake later, as they only took "a quick smoke" outside for 15 minutes. Damn. With my health, I don't think I can afford NOT to smoke. But, how?
I can't even fake smoke. I tried, and I cant get the natural thing going. Looks like i'm either holding a stick of dynamite, or I hold it like a fay german interragator. "(puff, puff!) You vill nevah escape this stalog, Hogan!"
As an experiment, I started to carry one cigarette in a semi crushed up pack, and a dead lighter. Then I take those out and tap the package as I say that I need a smoke brake...
...and the managers at my work LET me!!
No "Is it time for your brake?". No "You already had one!. They just say, okay! Sometimers they come outside with me to light up as well! But, I have that already figured out, as I have said earlier, I cannot convincingly smoke. What I do is tap the ciggy on that pack, then fumble with my lighter. Since the lighter is long dead, I can spend a good 4 minutes tring to light nothing. If I have someone else out there ready to offer me a light, I just place the cancer-stick back in the pack and say "Nah. I'm down to my last one and I need to save that. I need to cut down anyway...". I proceed to cough up a spleen and, end scene.
Almost no one offers me one of their cigarettes, and if they do, I can say I don't smoke those, or I have a fake coughing fit and say that I should just cut down, so no thanks. And, I get up to 20 minutes of non-work bliss, AND I still get a brake ta boot! I've found that I can do this about every 20-30 minutes without fail.
And once, I did bring up the fact that non-smokers have it worse, in that they can't take extra brakes. I was told, smokers can't help it, it's a habit! A habit?! So, they get away with it, then? I suppose if my "habit" was to crap in people lunchbags at work, you think they'd let me, cuz I can't help it? I might even get 15 or so minutes special to do this, If i play my cards right...
Question: I need to take a quick brake. I have intestinal issues, and I think I saw a sandwich in the fridge."
I don't do much on the holiday, as I don't really drink, or smoke, or have any friends since I've moved up to Washington state. I've been here almost 10 years, and i'm still though of as an outsider. A Californian. Although I do believe that in order to create friendships, I need to learn to smoke. Everyone smokes here, and even have special brakes for that at the workplace.
Non-smoker Question: "I'm going on a brake, 'kay?"
Answer: "Woah!, Is it your time for a brake? You can't right now..."
Or, Smoker Question: "I'm gonna go for a quick smoke outside..."
Answer" "...okay...I'll join ya..."
I'm not exagerating either. In fact, the smoker will still get their brake later, as they only took "a quick smoke" outside for 15 minutes. Damn. With my health, I don't think I can afford NOT to smoke. But, how?
I can't even fake smoke. I tried, and I cant get the natural thing going. Looks like i'm either holding a stick of dynamite, or I hold it like a fay german interragator. "(puff, puff!) You vill nevah escape this stalog, Hogan!"
As an experiment, I started to carry one cigarette in a semi crushed up pack, and a dead lighter. Then I take those out and tap the package as I say that I need a smoke brake...
...and the managers at my work LET me!!
No "Is it time for your brake?". No "You already had one!. They just say, okay! Sometimers they come outside with me to light up as well! But, I have that already figured out, as I have said earlier, I cannot convincingly smoke. What I do is tap the ciggy on that pack, then fumble with my lighter. Since the lighter is long dead, I can spend a good 4 minutes tring to light nothing. If I have someone else out there ready to offer me a light, I just place the cancer-stick back in the pack and say "Nah. I'm down to my last one and I need to save that. I need to cut down anyway...". I proceed to cough up a spleen and, end scene.
Almost no one offers me one of their cigarettes, and if they do, I can say I don't smoke those, or I have a fake coughing fit and say that I should just cut down, so no thanks. And, I get up to 20 minutes of non-work bliss, AND I still get a brake ta boot! I've found that I can do this about every 20-30 minutes without fail.
And once, I did bring up the fact that non-smokers have it worse, in that they can't take extra brakes. I was told, smokers can't help it, it's a habit! A habit?! So, they get away with it, then? I suppose if my "habit" was to crap in people lunchbags at work, you think they'd let me, cuz I can't help it? I might even get 15 or so minutes special to do this, If i play my cards right...
Question: I need to take a quick brake. I have intestinal issues, and I think I saw a sandwich in the fridge."
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